Divine Destroyer

*Author's note:  What you are about to read could be considered explicit in nature.  My hope is that it stirs several emotions within you.  I will put this to music at some point, but for now I want to share it with the world.  For more information on the Hindu goddess Kali you may find some here.*

Before light, there was darkness.  NASA estimates that 70% of the Universe is made of dark energy.  25% is dark matter which leaves only 5% of the Universe in the visible spectrum.  With so much darkness surrounding us, it is no surprise that our minds are cast in shadow.

Kali Ma_________ you bless us with life.

From your womb, we enter into light.

Show us your mercy, bless us with your kindness.

Oh Black Mother, show us the way.

Always leading, never demanding.  Most compassionate Mother to us al.

You feed us from your breast, hold us in your arms.  You pick us up when we fall.

But that is not the side of you that we choose to see.

When our life is shit, we blame it all on you.

Kali_________ destroy the world.

Break down these walls that keep me in misery.

Devastate these perceptions that I hold so dear.

Tear apart these chains that keep me from being free!

Even the idea of freedom is so absurd, especially in the U.S. of fucking A.  Where children are born warm, pink, sucking on their mamma’s tities and without a god damn care in the world.  So comfortable we have to make up our own illnesses to feel miserable.  I mean, obesity?!  What kind of illness is that?  Get up off your fat ass and eat a vegetable!  ADHD?  Perhaps if you took your kid outside and showed him something in the natural world instead of sitting him down in front of the Wiggles to get him out of your hair he might not throw your fucking cufflinks down the toilet.  Then again…. I would.

Kali_________ destroy the world.

Break down these walls that keep me in misery.

Devastate these perceptions that I hold so dear.

Tear apart these chains that keep me from being free.

Who the hell do you think you are judging me?  Why do you give a flying fuck that I like to walk around the giant cancerous mass of consumerism that is Costco wearing a wrap around skirt?  So what if I like eyeliner because it makes my eyes pop?  I may not be straight but I’m not gay either.  I don’t need to slap a label on my chest so you know what to think.  If you don’t want to get to know who I am beneath this exterior, I’m ok with that.  I’ll just put a label on that says, “Hello, My name is Pipe the Fuck Down!”

Kali_________ destroy the world.

Break down these walls that keep us in misery.

Devastate these perceptions that we hold so dear.

Tear apart these chains that keep us from being free.

You have a brain, so use it.  Think for yourself.  It’s ok to be afraid.  Sorrow can be glorious.  I cannot see what lies ahead for you or me, but if life has taught me anything thus far, I know it will be amazing.  Nothing ever happens the way we anticipate.  We need to let go of our expectations.  Let go of the ropes with which we bind ourselves so tightly.  Let go of these perceptions to which we cling to so blindly.  Let go of anger, hate, betrayal.  The lies, the judgement, the ignorance, the pain.  The burden we carry from the abuse and neglect we have suffered.  It is time to let it all go.  Let go of all this and we will find ourselves empty.  An empty vessel ready to be filled.

Kali Ma________ destroy our pain.

Release us from our suffering.

Empty our cup, then fill it up.

We are no longer afraid.

A wise being talked about the seeds that are sown within us.  We have the ability to water the seeds of others.  Do you choose to water the seeds of anger and hatred or do you water those of love and compassion?

Kali Ma________ destroy the world.

It is time for new life and rebirth.

Out of the darkness dawns a new day.

Kali Ma, show us the way.

The Still Pond

When we enter into this world
We see it as images in a still pond
Clear and pristine yet with no clue as to
  What these images represent.

As we investigate, we cause ripples in the water
At times, making the water so dirty with muck
And the images so distorted that we
  forget what they are.

When we sit, the water calms
The reflection becomes still and clear again
We once again see things as they are.

As we awaken fully, we come to realize
That the images in the pond are only images.
We awaken to the world around and within us
  which includes and goes beyond the pond.

Inner Conversation

On May 27th, 2006 I had a conversation with my inner self.  At the time, I called it God.  Also known as the superego, I told myself some amazing things that started my life on another track.  Maybe not another track, but a solidification of what I had been contemplating for months previous.  The following is what I wrote based on what I remember.

How you found me is irrelevant, all that matters is that you were searching.  Now that this door has been opened you can never close it.  You must never close it.  You may walk through that door anytime and be with me in the most amazing way, but know you leave this life behind.

I am always with you and have always been.  My light shines brightly through this door and envelops every aspect of your lift.  Let my light shine through you and pass to others.

What you do with your life is completely up to you.  This universe is yours to do with as you please.  There are so many great things you can add to this universe and you may do with it whatever you want.

What you have done in the past matters not.  If there are things in your life or universe that you want to change, then change them.  You have the power.  Your life is yours and belongs to no one else.

If you love me then love yourself.  I am in you and everything around you.  I love you no matter what you do or who you are.  Always remember that.  You are precious to me and essential to your universe.  Without you, your universe wouldn't exist.

Everything that came into being came from me.  In this way you are connected to everything that exists.

You are the brother of Jesus and the Buddha.  You are brother to Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi   You are also the brother of Hitler and Stalin.  That does not mean you will be like any of them but that you are related to them in the same way you are related to the person sitting next to you and every being on the planet.  Treat them as your siblings.  Even if you do not like someone, love him.

You are completely unique and have your own life to live.  Be you  and be the best You that you can be.  Live life to the best of your ability and enjoy this universe that you have been given.

You will walk through that door when you are ready to walk through it.  Do your best to leave the world behind better than when you entered.

If you are ever lost, follow the light.  It will not lead you astray.

I love you and everything you are.

There are as many ways to find this voice as there are being in the Universe.  You will find your voice if you haven't already.  When you do, I sincerely hope it opens your eyes as much as it has opened mine.

Into the Frying Pan

Life is dark in the cupboard with these pots and pans
Teflon in my belly and rubber on my handle
Waiting for breakfast or supper till someone can use me.
Finally a light comes in from the door,
This is the moment I've been waiting for.
Won't you cook something that needs a flat bottom, please.

That hand reaches in, grabs me by the handle
Puts me on the stove hotter than a candle
Adds a little oil with a squeeze.

What are you frying up this time, I wonder?
Eggs with pieces of shell from that blunder
Pancakes would definitely be alright with me
Perhaps some bacon, ooh I love the sizzle
Or even potatoes, listen to 'em fizzle
As the grease slides over my non-stick surface with glee.

Alright stop; what's this you got me doin'?
I've never seen whatever it is you got brewin'
White and squishy, smells like nothing I've seen
Looks like a sponge and feels like one too.
Probably will taste like the tongue of a shoe
Is this really what you think is real keen?

I don't know what kind of eating you're after
This kind of thing fills me with laughter
I guess you're trying to make your diet lean.

Tofu ain't the kind of thing to eat
Especially when your body craves meat.
No matter if you fry, bake or steam
I prefer the real food you make
Not something fashioned like a cake
I will make sure bacon haunts your dreams.

Throw in some veggies, add a little Mirin
Look at the way you've got these things stirin'
That soy sauce you got is loaded with MSG
I see you've got some rice to throw the stuff over
So what if its low in cholesterol and fat free.

There's no way in hell that stuff will make you happy
Nor will that tofurkey make you nappy
You need real food in your life, can't you see?

Don't you think that life is all about what you enjoy?
A lot of that comes from eating food that's not made of soy.
Greasy food may not be as healthy
But they sure make your life feel wealthy.
So quit buying carrots and Bok Choy.

What what tastes good and sizzles like it should.

Twinkle

I wrote this several months ago when I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about someone that doesn't exist as of yet.

The light you bring unto this world is brighter than any star.
No matter what this life might hold, remember just who you are:
A child born from the purest love, a gift unto our lives.
Through darkness and heartache, that love still survives.
Tonight we lay you down to sleep, cradled in our arms.
We hold you tight and kiss good night the luckiest of our charms.


Dreams play upon the beautiful scape of your ever expanding mind.
May they always be sweet as a chocolate treat and may you seek whatever you find.

Light of the Moon

The moon with her daughters around
Offer us portals to other worlds,
If we would but grasp them.

We spend our lives reaching
For those lights in the sky,
But we are not nearly tall enough
So we colapse along the banks of the river.

As the water flows past
The moonlight shimmers off its glossy surface.

To be open like the river
And accept the light of the moon
We would realize we already contain her light.

One evening on the Great Salt Lake

My partner and I had ourselves an excursion unto the GSL.
A captain was searching for crew to his ship so on board we did set sail.

We came upon the starting line patiently waiting our start.
The flag was raised, away we went racing with all of our heart.

The skipper would yell, "Pull the goddamn halliards!" and I'd pull with all of my might.
I just prayed the red rope I had been pulling was indeed right.



The first mate and I had control of the jib, my partner running the main.
Despite the bumbled mass of confusion, in second place we came.
In the marina drinking our beer, celebrating the race.
With a wink in his eye the captain said, "You weren't a complete disgrace."

We left the marina as the sun went down, it's reflection on the lake.
We stopped to reflect on our evening at sea and for some pictures to take.

Location:S 1210 E,Sandy,United States

Gray Matter

I am a slave to my organs
I cannot go a day without my bladder calling out
at least 9 times, and that's when I'm dehydrated.

I feel the pangs of hunger roll over me like waves.
It growls, I ignore, it quiets.
Growling a little louder I refuse to listen, then again calm.
My belly shakes the rest of my body, I grab the chips and salsa.

The pain in my tow causes me to hobble around for
several minutes muttering, "Ow ow ow ow ow ow!"
Then of course there is sex, that organ runs my life
more than any other except...

The brain. That one never shuts up.
Always yapping away about all these great ideas,
most of which are completely inconsequential outside the gray matter.
It keeps me awake when I want to sleep.
It talks in different voices like a psychopath.
It argues with itself and feels horrible after a night of drinking, especially tequila.

Yet this gray matter makes sense of the images and sounds I perceive.
Ultimately it is responsible for all my sensations and perceptions.
It finds solutions to many problems.
It allows me to connect with others through language and shared experience.
I am the brain writing through this body to write about myself.
I posses the hand that moves the fingers into doing my bidding.
I am the slave master.
I run the show.


There is one thing that can take over...

instinct.

Mosquito Dharma

I have a difficult time hating. It seems that "hate" has rarely been in my repertoire of words. Of course I have preferences, likes and dislikes, and that's normal. However, I can say that there is one thing in existence that has taught me how strongly I can hate another creature. Mosquitoes.

They are horrible! Despicable!
Heinous beyond compare.
Those blood sucking fiends
Get through my jeans,
my t-shirt and even my hair! (Well they used to get through my hair)

Parasitic in nature they add nothing of value to the world. Instead, they get fat sucking my blood! They feed past the point of being full, ready to explode.

Carrying west nile, Dengue, malaria,
and countless other diseases
They make people sick
So I'll give 'em a flick
Or a slap whenever I pleases

Mosquitoes give me an itch I don't particularly like to scratch. So what do they offer me? What is their teaching?

I and the mosquito are one
Sucking blood I find quite fun
I drink past my fill
With nary a spill
And leave a big welt when I'm done

*words in green denote the mosquitoes perspective.

I do feed off others, taking advantage of countless people around the world with my choices in food, clothing and any other materials. I use people to my own selfish ends, even when I don't realize it. Especially when I don't realize it. When I'm not feeding from them I feed off my self. I am a glutton.

Am I Buddha nature? Of course!
Eating from pig and human and horse
One big slap to the head
Causes me to be dead
Yet the slapper has no remorse.

I watched as one landed on my arm and pricked me with its needle. I patiently waited, watching as it fed. It extracted its proboscis and flew away. Though it left a welt the welt did not itch.

Allow me to live and do as I may
Don't slap me or swat me or bat me away
I'll do what I please
And leave you at ease
That I might live to suck another day.

As do most living beings on this planet, mosquitoes came from the earth. I love the earth and everything she produces. I love human beings though I hate some of our actions. The most heinous acts come from greed, using other to suit our own selfish desires without regard to the consequences. Perhaps when we finish feeding off each other and give of ourselves to feed others we will have no need for mosquitoes to show us our own parasitic nature. There is also the possibility they will rise up as a cohesive force and attempt to suck us dry. At least we have bug zappers.

Infinity Lake

Swimming tonight beneath the muffled light of a full moon through the mist
I couldn't tell where the water ended and infinity began.
The moon dotted the water in rivulets of light as fog bridged the gap between water and air.
A loon's song echoes across the lake, on water as still as death.
A song heard through the vastness of space.
I call back and once hear an answer, then silence.
I call again and hear nothing. No response.
The loon knows I am an impostor.

As I lay in bed I hear a boat motor pass through the night air.
Driving a boat in this is insanity.
On the lake I could barely see a meter in front of my face.
How does the driver know where to go?

A wake, the remnant of the boat, crashes against the shore
Followed by another and another
Presents me with the most soothing of sounds
As it lulls me to sleep.

Nine months in the making

A lot has happened in the past nine months so I'll give you a brief run-down. In May I received Jukai which translates as "to receive the precepts". Basically, I am now officially a Buddhist, akin to a christian baptism. I bowed a lot and vowed to cherish all life, cultivate good, help others, and to be generous, honest and attentive. I affirmed that I am Buddha, I am awake. For pictures please click here. Right after the ceremony, my mom, who had flown out a few days previous, my uncle, who lives in the Salt Lake area, and I drove all night to Gunnison, CO for my sister's graduation. We changed right after we arrived, got some breakfast and proceeded to the ceremony. My brother and aunt had flown into town as well for the occasion. The governor of CO gave a pretty decent commencement speech in the stadium as the Rocky mountains painted the backdrop.

After heading back to SLC I finished up the school year and the summer began. I took a class for my job entitled Understanding Children and Families which gave me some ideas as to why some children act as they do. Other than that I spent a majority of the time pulling weeds, going to the library, playing music, hiking, camping, and a lot of just general gallivanting. In August I made my way back to Colorado for another adventure. A week and a half in Colorado Springs and my birthday celebration at which I became severely intoxicated. Jana, the Czech woman I met in Spain (see Star Peace) flew out the day before and witnessed the event. Struggling to get out of bed the next morning I popped some Aspirin and loaded the last of the equipment in the car. Jana and I were taking a good ol' fashioned road trip in my ex-girlfriend's car. We traveled from Colorado Springs to Durango into Monument Valley and across to Flagstaff, AZ. Proceeding to the Grand Canyon on the day President Obama was there, although we didn't see him, then on to Las Vegas. From there we drove across Death Valley into California. Stopping off at Mammoth for a couple days we next went into Yosemite for some amazing hikes and too many tourists. After Yosemite it was San Francisco where we were able to spend time with my brother before heading up through Napa Valley and on to Northern California and crossing over into Oregon.

This was my first time in Oregon but it will definitely not be my last. I wanted to go to Oregon to determine if I wanted to move there. I am very interested in Portland but all of the state we saw was gorgeous. I love the beaches, I love the green forests, I love the consciousness, I am looking forward to living there. From Portland we drove back to SLC. The entire trip lasted three weeks. I started work again the next day and Jana flew out that evening. For more photos of the trip check out Snapfish.

I had been promoted from Classroom Assistant to Lead Teacher which meant I was responsible for the operation of the class. The Assistant assigned to me had been a preschool teacher for almost twenty years previous so had a lot of experience to draw on. We set up the room and prepared for the students. They arrived one by one and I have subsequently fallen in love with every one of them. Halfway into the school year I am very happy about the way things have unfolded. I love my job and couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Other than the aforementioned activities I have recently passed my second koan if that means anything to you and have become the proud parent of a beautiful baby girl rat. Her name is Skyrocket and I bought her with the intent of taking her to the classroom but she is still a baby. I'm going to let her grow a bit before I take her in. I am now on winter break for two weeks and intend on going into more detail about some of these things later. I guess we'll see where that intention takes me.

ECC and Bribery

Two weeks ago we had Friday off from work so that we could attend an Early Childhood conference on Saturday. The conference went the way conferences go, generally speaking. The keynote speakers were great and some of the classes were a little helpful but it's not what I would have chosen to spend my Saturday doing. Th following week we were studying Creepy Crawlies in the classroom. Butterfly nets were provided for catching all sorts of insects as well as frogs, salamanders, chameleons, and spiders galore. Since we didn't have our usual Friday teacher workday my lead teacher and I hurried to get as much done as possible the Thursday before to clean the room and change out the dramatic play area. Needless to say, it could have been a lot better. Other than the nets and the animals to catch there was really nothing for them to do.

The next Friday I was by myself because my lead was off for CNA training. We were told by our supervisor that the dramatic play area needed to be a little more... well, dramatic. I spent about an hour cleaning the classroom then went to town on the dramatic play area. I brought in a fake tree from the hallway then went to grab six feet of greet butcher paper. I covered one of the walls with the paper and cut the top to look like grass then put the tree in the corner. On the wall of grass I put a large ant hill complete with tunnels and the queen in the corner with all her eggs. I also cut out dozens of tissue paper butterflies to be tossed in the air and caught in the nets. I then took a pom-pom and wrapped it in pipe cleaners to look like legs. creating a large black spider. The spider was then suspended from the tree.

We are specifically working on number recognition with the children so I made ten large ladybird beetles and added a certain number of dots on one side with its corresponding number on the other. I then cut the beetles in half different ways so the children could match up the halves. I bought some large coffee filters and brought them in on Monday to make butterflies. We decorated the coffee filters then wrapped up the middle with a pipe cleaner to draw in the middle and puff out the sides to look like wings. I encouraged the children to make ants on the anthill using the eraser of a pencil for the body parts and a marker to draw the legs and antennae. They were given markers and the opportunity to draw whatever creepy crawlie creatures they wanted to on the grass wall.

Wednesday morning my supervisor came in and told me that my lead had been admitted to the ER last night. She is ok, don't worry. She is pregnant and was experiencing severe pain so they went to the hospital but both she and the baby are just fine.The point is I would be the lead teacher for the next couple days. Well the morning class went fairly well except for three little boys who were terrorizing everyone and everything but we managed to make it through to the afternoon. The afternoon class was pretty good as well, same sort of situation though. The next day I decided to try some positive reinforcement a.k.a. bribery. Before class began I pulled aside the three boys and showed them a couple other pom-pom spiders I had made specifically for them. I told them that if they listened well and were good examples for their friends they could take home the spiders at the end of the day. I only had to give one warning to two of the boys and told them it was their only warning. Other than that they were all very well behaved, I couldn't believe they were the same children. At the end of class I thanked each of them as they were leaving and gave them their prizes.

In the afternoon class their is a kid of Tongan decent who is much bigger than all the other children in the class. He also has a very difficult time keeping his hands to himself which apparently is common in the culture. He pushes, hits and wraps his arms around other children's necks. Before class on Thursday I told him if he could keep his hands to himself he would be able to take home the spider that had been hanging from the tree. Amazingly enough he didn't touch a single student the entire day. Bribery works. I'm interested in seeing what happens over the course of the next couple weeks. Hopefully the good behavior continues.

Tête, épaules, genoux, et pied, genoux et pieds

I know I said I would write more often however I have a couple excuses. First, I got really sick with the flu for about two weeks and things just piled up like dirty laundry (which was something that in fact piled up and overflowed out of my hamper). B, two weeks ago was a major deadline for work when many things were due so I spent a lot of time working. Three, I’ve been distracted by snowboarding, sewing, friends, and games. Lastly, I’ve spent my free time just being lazy.

As I said, a couple weeks ago was a major deadline at work. Head Start is a federally funded program so the government likes to know where their money is going. Therefore we are required to keep portfolios for each of the children and provide evidence of their social/emotional, physical, cognitive, and language development. We also need to write anecdotes about how the children fulfill the requirements of a fifty point Creative Curriculum. We also had parent teacher conferences at the same time. I never knew how much paperwork could be involved in teaching preschool.

Every two weeks we switch the theme of the classroom. A few weeks ago our theme was space. We had pictures of planets all around the room, little toy robots and aliens, a cardboard rocket ship, and little spacesuits for the height impaired. We talked about the sun and our position in the solar system. We strung up a paper cone rocket on a string and the children had to figure out how to get it across the room without the use of their hands. I shot off little photo canister alka seltzer rockets. It was a blast.

The next two weeks were focused on the ocean. Water dwelling creatures were posted all along the walls. Fishing poles were given to the children as they fished for fish with fishy numbers on them. I folded paper boats the children colored with markers. The next day we placed the boats in a tub of water to see if they would float. Sure enough, they did… temporarily. With the waves and splashing from the children playing around the boats were soon drenched and sinking to the bottom, the color from the markers melting into the water. At first the water was a beautiful array of colors, then as they mixed it became a murky brown. My friend Mel who works at the aquarium came in to do some activities with the children turning a couple of them into bullfrogs that ate the rest of the children as an example of an endemic species.

Following our ocean theme we are now in the middle of a fantasy/fairy tale setup. A large castle is hanging up on the wall in front of a small puppet theatre. In my best Swedish chef impersonation I took a chef puppet and chased after one of the pigs trying to make bacon. It is a good thing that it was only fantasy as I would never do such a thing in real life. The kids got a kick out of it though. We tell stories like Jack and the Beanstalk which comes complete with a tiny Jack, a tiny giant, and a tiny giant beanstalk.

I have taken my guitar into the class twice now to sing songs like This Little Light of Mine, Puff the Magic Dragon and Down by the Bay. I also introduced the children to Head, Shoulders, Knees and Feet in French. Now they are moving and singing in a second, or for many a third, language. It is pretty cool.

I am really enjoying my job. I can’t think of any other profession I would rather be in. I don’t spend all my time working though, as it might sound. I actually have very active yoga and Buddhist practices. I attend a Power Hour yoga class twice a week and sitting meditation once a week. I am also in the process of sewing a rakasu. A rakasu is a bib-looking thing that hangs around my neck during meditation. I am sewing it so that I might receive jukai in May. Jukai is translated into receiving the precepts. So in May I will officially be considered a Buddhist.

All in all, life is pretty great. I really appreciate that I have so many things to be thankful for. I am healthy, I have a nice place to live in a pretty cool city, I have a great job (especially nice with an economy in such a state), and spring is on its way. Hooray!

Head, shoulders, knees and toes, kness and toes

After two weeks of work I had three weeks of winter vacation. The first week I spent lazing around the apartment or taking trips to the library. The second and third weeks I spent back in Colorado Springs with the family. My sister was in town as well as my brother and his girlfriend. Only the second he's brought home to meet the family so I'm sure we scared the hell out of her. The two of them seem very happy together so I'm very happy for them. I went to downtown Colorado Springs with a few of the regular CSers, a couple new ones, and Big Ben who I had not seen in over seven years. It was a good night ending with Denny's at 3:30 in the morning.

I came back to Salt Lake City and went back to school. I would like to say that I really love my job. The teacher I work with is really nice and has things pretty together. The kids are great in that there are no overt troublemakers and they are all pretty fun to play with. The money is pretty sweet too. Its been two and a half years since I've had a job that pays. My first paycheck was more than I had made in those two and a half years combined.

When at the preschool I love getting into what the kids are doing. Yesterday I was finger painting and playing patient to a group of 4 year old doctors. They determined that I was in the hospital because I was having a baby. After giving me a few shots of God knows what and putting me on oxygen I successfully gave birth. One of my "doctors" wrapped up a blanket and handed it to me. "She's a beautiful baby girl" she told me. "Thank you, you were an excellent doctor" I replied.

The day before we were using shaving cream, glue, water colors, and googly eyes to paint faces on paper plates. That was a very messy assignment but probably some of the most fun I've had getting my hands dirty since my last girlfriend. On nice days we take the children outside and with all the snow we've been able to build snowmen and women, make snow angels and throw snowballs at the broad side of a barn (occasionally missing). On inclement weather days or when it is too cold we go to the gym which smells as most gyms do of sweaty socks and urine. I'll run around with the kids and throw them down on the mats until they wear me out.

All in all, it is a pretty good workout between throwing around 50 pound children and performing "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" as fast as possible and going on a "Bear Hunt". I really believe that if I am to have a job this is the best one for me. I am very happy playing the role of a teacher. I hope to do this for quite awhile.

My 7 year-old roommate

Alright, I know I've been horrible at keeping this thing up to date. And I have no excuse being that I live in a city where there are multiple computers and internet available to me. I mean, its not like I'm in the middle of the Mexican desert or anything. I'll try to keep more current in my entries. So far I've been writing like I was writing for chapters in a book. I realize that people are probably less interested in sitting at a computer to read a book a chapter every two to three months than they are to just read a short blog post update. Plus, we tend to seek instant gratification from technology these days, as is the intent. However, I know I still appreciate having a book in my hands to read at my leisure. So for now I'll give a brief update of what has happened since my last post.

Another guy moved into KC's house, one of her son's friends from culinary school in the city for his internship. He was paying KC $300 each month for rent. KC hadn't been charging me rent up to that point, she told me I could stay with them for a month for no charge, but the month was quickly coming to an end . In the past two months of searching I had yet to find work. I couldn't afford to pay that so I asked the HPs if I could move back in with them and the boys. Although Riley had taken the room downstairs where I had been staying, they of course welcomed me back in. I wasn't paying rent but I also had a seven year-old roommate. It wasn't one of the best arrangements in my life but it worked.

I spent my time riding around, playing WiiFit until I was sick of it, meditating at Kanzeon, watching full seasons of Six Feet Under, playing around with the kids, and job searching. At one point I even took a tour of the UPS facility to be a package handler but didn't take the job. During this time Halloween came upon us. I had been planing a costume for the past month or so. I had bought the most 70s looking clothes I could find at the thrift store, I wore a blonde afro borrowed from Robin, and painted my face to look like a skull. I had transformed into the Death Of Disco. I attended a couple of parties and had a blast at them. A week later my friend Patrick from the Zen Center offered me a room in his two-bedroom apartment for rent. He even said I could stay for a reduced rent until I found a job so I took him up on his offer. I moved in with Patrick as soon as I could. He lives a block and a half from the TRAX line and about six blocks from Kanzeon so it is a great location.

The week after I moved in with him I volunteered at Kanzeon to be the assistant cook for the sesshin. Making meal after meal for 60 people is a difficult task and it takes a whole kitchen staff to get it done. Halfway through the week I received a phone call from Snowbird Ski School offering me a job as a ski/snowboard instructor. I accepted the job and prepared to spend a season on the slopes. About two hours after I accepted the job I received a phone call from the Head Start preschool offering me a classroom assistant position I had interviewed for. Now, I had a decision to make but was prepared to make it. I decided to go with the Head Start job. I called Snowbird back and renounced the instructor position.

Now, I know many of you would say, "Why the hell would you give up a snowboard instructing position to be a preschool teacher?" Not only was the money better in being a preschool teacher, not to mention the excellent benifits, I was looking forward to the idea of teaching young children in a community that is of the lowest socioeconomic class in Salt Lake City. The area is composed of many Hispanic families as well as several immigrants. This gives me the opportunity to help in an area where I can do a lot of good. A free pass to a resort didn't seem to be worth that.

I went home to Colorado for Thanksgiving and when I returned I started my new job. More on that later. I worked for two weeks and then school ended for winter break. Not a bad schedule, I thought, two weeks of work followed by three weeks off. I could handle this.

This is just a picture of the Mormon temple and Headquarters I took while waiting for the tram. I thought the sunset had some pretty colors.

The weekend after I returned from Alaska, my sister, Christina, had a couple of soccer games up in Colorado Springs. We went to her game at the Air Force Academy then spent the evening with her before we all went up to Boulder for her game the next day. Since we would already be in Boulder, my parents and I decided that we would drive up to Estes Park afterwards and stay the night there. After Christina’s game we did just that. After driving up the pass we crested the hill overlooking the town at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. Driving across the bridge that separated the North and South sides of a shimmering azure lake we spotted something that looked vaguely like the Loch Ness Monster. Upon closer inspection we realized that it was the Loch Ness Monster, of the inflatable variety. We looked up and saw why. A huge banner shuttered with the wind which read “2008 Scottish/Irish Heritage Festival”. The three of us looked at each other and immediately knew what the other two were thinking. “Hooray! Kilts and bagpipes!” There was no way we could turn that down.

We parked the car and wandered up the hill amidst sticky, cotton-candy faced kids, and guys you wouldn’t want to see bend over. Following the sounds of the forlorn (bagpipes if you will) and the smell of Guinness we made our way through the festival. To our left dog’s catching Frisbees off their owners’ backsides. To our right were rows of tents representing the various clans. With our pints of Guinness in one hand and kettle corn in our other, we wandered through the tents and listened to more bagpipers. We had come at the end of the festival so after only an hour and a half they were having their closing ceremony complete with 102, you guessed it, bagpipes. Tents were packed up and free kettle corn distributed. We left and searched for a hotel room. We found one in a beautiful hotel on the lake. Our room had a balcony that looked out over the lake to the gorgeous mountains shooting up into the sky just beyond. After a really bad Mexican dinner I just sat on that balcony and watched the moon flicker off the ripples in the lake.

The next day we drove up into Rocky Mountain National Park. Immediately after paying our entry fee we looked off to our left and saw a herd of about thirty elk. Driving further in we saw even more. We drove further into the mountains before we parked the car and took a hike. Passing towering walls of sheer rock colored elephant grey we made our way along the arduous trail. Occasionally we would make hydration stops or take in the awe-inspiring scenery. Crystal clear lakes shimmered under the bright blue sky and brilliantly reflected the magnificence surrounding them. After a full day of mountains, lakes, waterfalls, and chipmunks my parents and I made our way back down to the car. We ate dinner at a Nepalese restaurant before driving back down south along the Front Range to arrive home again.

I stayed in Colorado for about two more weeks before heading up to Denver to catch my westbound train. During this time I went to the local Goodwill and treated myself to a whole new wardrobe so that my hemp pants aren’t the only pants I own anymore and my shirts actually have buttons. The day before I left, Nieve, Michael, Amanda, my mom, and I took a tour of Boulder beer breweries. Several hours and many beers into it we were all nice and toasted. Besides for a half gallon of beer being spilt on me I would say that it was a pretty successful tour of the Boulder breweries. As the sun rose the next morning it was quite difficult to raise up off Nieve’s couch and prepare for the next leg of my journey. At the train station I checked in my luggage and said goodbye to my mother. After a hug and a kiss I boarded the locomotive. I sat down in my seat and watched the beautiful Colorado scenery change into the rugged yet equally beautiful landscape of Utah. By the time it arrived in Salt Lake City the train was an hour and a half late, but it did arrive.

Kim was waiting there for me as I stepped off the train. It was after midnight and she was wearing a hat (something I never see her do) so I didn’t even recognize her as I walked right past to my luggage. I turned around to see if she had arrived when this little guy in a Newsies hat and glasses walks right up to me and I realize that its no little guy at all, it is little Kim. She helped me get my stuff into the car and we drove back to their house. While I was away they moved Riley and his things downstairs into the room I was using but it was also still kind of the guest room as the futon was still spread out next to his bed after Ruth’s mom had just come to visit. I lay down and fell asleep. The next morning Kim and Casey came down to wake Riley from school. As soon as he came in the room and saw me, Casey had the biggest grin on his little face. He woke Riley and Riley turned his head in my direction. He had no idea what was going on but was enjoying it anyway.

The boys went to school, Ruth went to work and I was alone in the house I had left three months prior with no intention of returning anytime soon. I had time to gather myself and get in touch with my surroundings before reassembling my bicycle. By gathering myself I mean beating all of the top scores on WiiFit. Now Ruth is mad at me. On Sunday I went to the Zen Center and felt like I was back home. People were happy to see me and most were very pleased I hadn’t left for South America. Afterwards I went to another lesbian couple’s house to help them take care of their three year-old daughter Julia. I was to stay with them throughout the week and look after her while one of her moms worked and the other was out of town. Julia is a brilliant little girl with a strong will and able mind. She has an excellent vocabulary for a girl of three and I can imagine her becoming a great leader someday, like Wonder Woman. (What? She was a great leader with that awesome invisible jet and unbreakable lasso.)

After spending a week with the soon-to-be superhero I moved over to my friend’s house overlooking the great salt lake valley where I’ve spent the last two weeks continuously looking for employment, organizing refrigerators and pantries, cutting hedges, and getting lost in hours upon hours of Grand Theft Auto 4. What a life, eh? For now I’m waiting, meditating, making music, searching and killing lots of drug dealers. What’s next is anybodies guess.

Episode IVX: The Mormon Empire Strikes Back

Robin and I said our good-byes in Gunnison and I watched her roll away in her car with Gyro sticking his head up and watching me through the back window as they passed out of sight. I sat down on the front porch of my sister’s house and cried. I had never cried so hard in my life. I spent the next couple days in Gunnison with my sister rafting on the river, bicycling the rocks, getting drunk, and watching movies. When I was ready to leave I packed up all my gear onto my bicycle and said goodbye to my sister. I made my way east, determined to bicycle back to Colorado Springs. As the day wore on I found myself peddling through the plains as the sun rose higher in the sky heating up the earth. Early that afternoon I arrived at the foot of Monarch Pass. Drudgingly I peddled one foot after the other and made my way slowly up the mountain. Rain sprinkled down on me providing a refreshing temperature as my muscles were straining against the pedals. After about three hours of climbing I reached the top. I turned around and looked at the gorgeous valley below me grateful that it was behind me. I stopped off for a snack then started coasting down the other side of the mountain. After only about twenty minutes or so I was off the mountain and out into the valley on the other side of Monarch.



As I made my way through the second valley the sun was beginning to set behind the mountains and I set out to find a place to sleep. I happened upon a house that had been put up for sale. The windows were dark, the inside furniture was gone, the doors were locked, and there was no sign of anyone coming in or out for awhile. Around the side of the house I found a small awning which I set up camp beneath. I slept fairly well to awake the next morning as the sun slowly climbed above the mountain range to the east of me. I got back on the bike and continued on my way. While riding along the highway I noticed hundreds of prairie dog holes on the side of the road, each with a prairie dog poking its head out or standing up to watch me as I rode by. I could swear that while riding past one even waved to me with its little paw. I spent the whole day climbing as I ascended the hills of the next pass. Coming down out of the pass I arrived in the South Park Valley. In a car it takes about thirty minutes to cross this valley. On my bike I spent the next three hours rolling along the flat plains fighting the wind coming at my face and trying to stay hydrated without finding any shade providing relief from the sweltering sun. On my way up the pass out of the valley I heard intense thunder from the storm clouds rolling in behind me. I glanced behind me to see the thunderclouds threatening me. Nearing the top of the pass it began to rain. I continued on until I reached the visitor center at the very top and as I was riding under the cover hail started to pelt the ground around me. I had made it to shelter just in time. I waited there as a majority of the storm passed. I called my mom to let her know I was ok and she offered to meet me in Divide, a small town about thirty miles away. I agreed to that and made my way out into the dwindling rain. Three hours later I arrived at the proposed meeting place and she arrived soon thereafter. Two days and one hundred fifty miles after I had left Gunnison I was exhausted. We got back to my parents’ house and I subsequently passed out.



I spent the next couple weeks with my parents doing various odd jobs around the house until it was time for me to head up to the Denver area for my friend Nieve’s wedding. I got a ride with my friend Amanda and we arrived in Thornton five days before the ceremony. Over the course of the next few days people were arriving left and right to stay at the house culminating with twelve people staying in a three bedroom house. We spent the days preparing for the wedding and the evenings already celebrating with alcoholic drinks freely flowing. The bachelor and bachelorette parties were held Thursday night (no nudity involved) with the rehearsal Friday morning. We all woke up very reluctantly Friday and figured out what we would do for the ceremony itself. After the rehearsal Sara (the maid of honor), Nieve (the bride), and I (the Will-of Honor) went to a nail salon and each had manicures and pedicures. I had never known the secret women were hiding behind those perfectly, pedicured toenails. Having my feet massaged I basked in the scents of heady nail polish aroma. The little Vietnamese woman massaging my feet applied green and blue nail polish to the big toes of each foot and covered the rest of my toenails in bright green. I had the same color for my fingers as I figured with an Irish groom I should have some green accents.



That night we had the rehearsal dinner consisting of pizza and wine for forty people at Nieve’s family home. The next day we returned to the Montaño family household for the bridal shower during which I lost the contest for prettiest bride in a toilet paper bridal gown. After the shower we finished some last minute preparations and made our way to a hotel. I shared a room with the other four members of the bridal party (all women, thank you very much). We woke up in the morning jumping up and down on Nieve’s bed shouting, “YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY!!” and proceeded to get ready for the wedding. Kiki, the cake baker, put my hair into two French braids so that I resembled Legolas from Lord of the Rings. We dropped Nieve to have her hair done while we raced to put together any last minute details. We picked her up when she was done and rushed to the event center where the ceremony was being held. After a lot of commotion and running around it was time to begin. Despite certain complications with music and microphone inconsistencies the wedding went well and was extremely beautiful. Nieve looked amazing in her dress which her grandma had made by hand. Michael looked spiffy in his tuxedo with green converse.



After the ceremony came the reception. It was one of the good ones, with lots of dancing and drinks flowing. Nieve then tossed her bouquet to a group of waiting women who tried to act as though they weren’t interested in being the next to get married. It turns out the flowers fell into the hands of a fifteen year-old whose mother wasn’t thrilled at the idea of a proposal any time soon. Then it was the guys turn. We all watched as Michael, blindfolded, removed a piece of his new wife’s undergarments. As he stood up with the garter in hand and still blindfolded he snapped the elastic and sent the garter flying. It hit me square in the chest and fell into my hands. Crazy rituals. Soon after the party died down we all went our separate ways. I and a few other party members remained around for the next few days as we said good-bye to friends and family. Then, I myself said farewell and boarded an airplane.



I was bound for Alaska. One of my best friends from high school, Steph (pronounced Steve), is stationed way up in Fairbanks and I decided to pay him a visit. I arrived in Anchorage late Thursday night and stayed with a guy thanks to CouchSurfing.com. Friday morning he took me out to the highway and dropped me off wishing me luck. I was hitchhiking my way up to Denali National Park where Steph was going to meet me. I managed to hitch a few rides and eventually made it to the visitor center where I saw Steph sitting on a bench out front. We found a place to camp, set up our tent and went for a hike around the area. The next morning we awoke and made our way up into the park. On the way up we saw several cars stopped on the other side of the road. A few seconds later we realized why. On our side of the road, right in front of us was a medium-sized grizzly bear eating berries and digging at the roots along the ditch right next to the road. We stopped and took a few pictures before moving on. We parked the car and went for a hike down a path near the Savage River. Along the way we came across a group of Ptarmigans, a bird akin to chickens and quail. About nine of them stood blocking our path and we had to weave our way through nearly kicking them out of the way. We saw a heard of Daal sheep on the ridge of a mountain that appeared as little white puffs with horns. Near the top of the path we saw a funny looking grey and brown creature that resembled a large groundhog. It was a marmot and as I got closer to take a closer look it stuck its head up, looked at me, and charged my way diverting at the last second without touching me. I was nearly mauled by fifteen pounds of relentless, furry, claws and sharp, pointy teeth.



After our hike we drove up to Fairbanks and went to a party at one of his Air Force friends’ house on the base. I arrived with pigtails and painted finger nails. The clean-cut military guys had no idea how to react. We played beer pong and Halo and just had a good ol’ time. While Steph worked I stayed at his place playing video games, riding a bicycle, and touring around North Pole, Alaska where he lives. We went to my uncle’s house for dinner one night as he lives in Fairbanks as well. I lost my vegan status for a day because he cooked us King Salmon on an open bit barbecue with smoked Alder wood. It was so incredibly tasty. The night before I left Steph and I went to some beautiful hot springs and had some great bonding time that we haven’t shared in many years. The next day I got a ride back to Anchorage with two girl friends of Steph’s. Through the car ride we told jokes and I played music. I think I’ve got the start of an entourage now. I hopped on my plane and took the red-eye back to Colorado.



I’m back in Colorado for a couple more weeks before returning to Salt Lake City. I have decided to postpone the bicycling trip to South America, at least for the time being. It wasn’t shaping up the way I was hoping it would and I think I could do this trip a lot smarter sometime in the future, especially after improving my Spanish. For now I will return to the beautiful city by the salty lake and find a job. I’m really hoping to do some form of social work, particularly in the adoption field so if anyone has any advice or hook-ups please let me know. Salt Lake City, here I come… again.

Saying Goodbye

I began going to the Kanzeon Zen Center on a regular basis. I would sit meditation on Wednesday nights, attend the Sunday morning Dharma talks, and volunteer every Friday. Volunteering involved painting walls, gardening, cleaning, and any other odd jobs they had for me. I began meeting all sorts of fascinating people from George, the British poet gardener with the body of a 70-year-old but the soul of a teenager, to Christian, the German who up and moved his entire family to Salt Lake City from Germany just to study under the abbot at Kanzeon. Incidentally, the abbot of Kanzeon, Genpo Merzel Roshi, is world famous for the techniques he has developed through his experience with Zen. The technique is called Big Mind and is a form of psychotherapy with the aspect of Buddhism added in. It is amazing to sit in on a Sunday session and watch people just click with enlightenment as he or any of the other teachers lead us in Big Mind.

One Sunday morning I was sitting in Kanzeon with Vee and our friend Corrine as we listened to one of the Sensei’s gave a talk. After the talk, we all gathered downstairs for tea and cookies. Corrine and Vee started talking with a cute young woman and I joined in on the conversation. The young woman’s name was Robin. We all chatted for a while before we left Kanzeon. We were on our way to take Vee to get her first tattoo. We took her to the tattoo parlor and set her up with the artist and her design. The artist got to work and Corrine and I left them to it. Robin had invited us to coffee with a group she attends on a regular basis so Corrine and I took her up on the offer. Arriving at the coffee shop, we saw Robin and a couple other people gathered in the corner so we walked over and sat down. The whole time there, I was engaging Robin in conversation and trying to get any sort of feel about whether she was interested in me or not. After an hour or so of conversation, I still had no idea. We said goodbye then Corrine and I left to check on Vee. After a few more hours of tattooing, the permanent art on her back was complete. A transgender symbol with the words LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT circling within. It was beautifully done and very fitting for Vee.

A couple weeks passed by uneventfully while I occupied my time volunteering at the elementary school still and Kanzeon riding my bike to and from everywhere I went. Then my mom decided to come out to visit. She had heard me talking so much about Kanzeon and the Big Mind process and wanted to check it out for herself. She arrived on Thursday evening and I picked her up at the airport (in a borrowed car, not my bicycle). Over the next couple of days her brother, who lives in Salt Lake City, drove us around and the three of us hung out together. On Sunday morning the three of us went to the Zen Center and listened to a visiting Sensei from France give a talk on loving ourselves completely. Afterwards we had tea and cookies and saw Robin there again. I introduced her to my mom and uncle and invited her on a bike ride the next week. After agreeing to do so we parted ways and my uncle, mom, and I drove out to Antelope Island on the Great Salt Lake. While touring the island we saw herds of antelope and buffalo but the second we stepped out of the car we were attacked by no-see-um bugs that ate away at our flesh. Needless to say we spent most of the tour inside the car.

The next day my mom and I attended the Big Mind workshop at Kanzeon and she loved it. She and Genpo Roshi seemed to connect really well and she shared many things I never expected to hear from her. The next day Robin came over and she, my mom and I got on our bikes and made our way to a trail along the Jordan River. About ten miles into the ride my mom was getting tired and decided to head back so Robin and I continued alone. We had a good time riding and talking and did not turn around for another hour or so. When we arrived back at the house I made us all lunch. After lunch, my mom went to rest and Robin and I went out into the back yard. I laid down a blanket and brought out my guitar. I started playing for her and I saw tears start streaming down her face. After playing a few songs I set down my guitar, leaned over, and kissed her and I felt her lips passionately pressing back against mine. We were there on the blanket in the grass holding each other and kissing for what seemed like hours. Then she got up, said goodbye, kissed me, and left. I wouldn’t see her again for another week because she was heading to a conference in Southern California.

The next day I took my mom to the airport and dropped her off for her plane. I couldn’t stop thinking of Robin. While she was in California she called me and we talked on the phone for a long time. I figured out she was thinking a lot about me too. When she returned we started spending more and more time together. She would bring her Greyhound, Gyro, over and we would baby sit the boys together. Gyro is a four-year-old retired racer who is more afraid of two-year-old Casey than anything else in the world. It almost seemed as though Robin was torturing him by bringing him over to see the child. The more time Robin and I spent together the more we realized that this was the relationship we had both been looking for. The only problem was that I was leaving Salt Lake City at the end of June so we knew this was a long-term thing.

Robin took a trip to meet her family in Florida to watch a shuttle launch. While there, she let me use her car back in SLC. One morning I strapped my bike to the back of her car and made my way to the south side of Immigration Pass. I hopped on my bicycle and started heading up. Immigration Pass is so named because it was where the Mormons entered the Salt Lake City Valley. I climbed and climbed and climbed as the mountain became steeper and steeper. About two and a half hours later, I reached the peak of White Mountain. I stopped to take in the view and eat a sandwich I had prepared earlier then started down. Approximately twenty minutes later I found myself at the bottom. I have been riding around so much and pushing myself hard in order to prepare for my next adventure. In September, I am going to ride my bicycle to South America. This is the reason why I was leaving SLC in June. I wanted to spend a couple months in Colorado before heading out.

When Robin retuned from Florida we started preparing for a camping trip we would take the next week, right after Pride Weekend. Being intimately involved with a lesbian couple and their boys as well as having several homosexual friends Pride is almost as big an event for me as it is for them. Friends came into town that I had not seen in a few years, some not since I graduated from college. On Friday, Robin and I went for a hike in Little Cottonwood Canyon with my friend Michael. I hadn’t seen Michael in about two years and he and I were best friends in college. Saturday evening we went to the Pride grounds and danced to some great music. Sunday morning Robin and I went to Kanzeon together and the topic of the Dharma speech was impermanence. The facilitator asked to speak with our self that was going to die in three years. Speaking as the self that has three years to live puts many things into perspective. It shows what matters in your life and what you would accomplish if you knew you only had that long to live. He then asked to speak to the self that would die in three months followed by the one that would die in three weeks. When we came to that point I realized that I only had about three weeks left in SLC and that meant I had three weeks left with Robin. Therefore, this relationship was going to die in three weeks time. I started pouring my heart out and telling Robin how much I loved and cherished her. When I had finished the facilitator looked at us and said, “Wow, I know pronounce you husband and wife.” In true Zen fashion, it was completely unexpected.

After the talk, Robin and I joined up with the Hackford-Peers at Pride. As Casey napped Robin and I took Riley for a walk around the festivities and telling everyone we knew that we had been married that morning. We said that had we known before hand, we would have invited them. My mom completely flipped when I told her the news. Of course, she calmed down after I told her the whole story. The next day, Robin and I left on our “honeymoon”. We were dog sitting for a friend and took her black lab with us as Robin, Gyro, Jack (the lab), and I drove down to Southern Utah to go camping. We found a beautiful, remote camping spot about halfway between Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon. We stayed in a park called Deer Haven and it was gorgeous. We hiked around the area through groves of aspen trees and meadows of wildflowers before settling in for the night back at the campground. The next day we left the dogs at the campsite and drove to Bryce Canyon. We spent the day hiking in the exhausting heat around the many hoodoos and rock formations of Bryce.

We returned to the campsite, got the dogs, and drove further down the road to find a beautiful little lake where the dogs and we took a little swim. Returning to the campgrounds, I took the dogs to play fetch. Jack would run mercilessly back and forth after the tennis ball only too excited to have me throw it again. Gyro on the other hand had no interest in chasing inanimate objects. He was definitely happy chasing Jack though. Jack would take off running for the ball with Gyro following close behind then Gyro would kick in his speed and pass Jack as if he were standing still. He would run all the way back to me before Jack had even reached the ball. Then he would be exhausted and just stand there as I threw the ball for Jack another twenty to thirty times. The following morning Robin and I left the dogs again and made out way to Zion. We hiked up the most thrilling hike there called Angel’s Landing. It is five miles round-trip with an elevation gain of 1,488 feet up sheer cliffs with steep drop-offs. It was an amazing climb with a gorgeous view of the entire park from the top. After checking out the Weeping Wall and other sites along the Virgin River, we left Zion and had a romantic at a restaurant surrounded by the red cliffs of Southern Utah. The next day we packed up the car and the dogs and headed home.

Riley was out of school by this point and we spent most of the next two weeks together. We rode bicycles almost everyday, played with Lego’s, fought each other with light sabers as Jedi’s, and swam at the swimming pool; you know, a typical boy’s summer day. Robin and I also took Riley camping during this time, which was his first-ever camping trip. It took a lot of work to convince his moms to let him go. We took him to American Fork Canyon, just south of Salt Lake City. We did all the usual camping activities including hiking, building a fire, roasting marshmallows, and playing the wooden flute. He loved it. By the end of that week it was time for me to leave Salt Lake City. Robin was actually heading east on a long road trip so she was going to take me to Colorado. Saying goodbye to the Hackford-Peers was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do. Riley was bawling the entire night but managed to choke back enough tears to give me a gift. Out of his pocket, he drew two rocks, one with the word LOVE written on it and the other with the word FAMILY. He told me to chose one and the one I chose I would take with me on my travels. He would keep the other and whenever either of us missed the other we would squeeze the rock and remember all the fun we had together. As he went to bed, I laid there with him until he fell asleep, then I went and said my goodbyes to the rest of the family. We all cried together and gave each other big hugs. Vee and Corrine were there as well so they were witness to the entire event.

Driving back to Robin’s place with her that night I couldn’t stop crying. I can’t believe how much heartache I caused a six year-old boy and how much I hurt from leaving him. That night Robin and I talked and cried in each other’s arms. The next morning we got in the car and made our way to Colorado. We made it to my parent’s house late that evening and crashed, completely exhausted. Gyro loved being at my parent’s place. There was enough space to run while dodging the trees spotted all around. We spent the weekend with my parents and other family members who were in town visiting. The day before Robin left to continue her road trip she asked if I would come along. She was going to the Lake of the Ozarks to spend the 4th of July with some friends before she drove up to Wisconsin to see her folks. I thought that since she had met my parents it was only fitting that I met hers so I agreed to join her.

We drove east from Colorado Springs into Kansas and spent the night at a campground along a lake. I never knew Kansas could be pretty but we managed to find some beauty. Continuing on we made our way to Missouri and wound up at the Lake of the Ozarks. Arriving at the lake, we were given a glimpse into a present day version of the movie Wall-E which we had seen just before we left. The shore of the lake was littered with houses right up against the shore and right next to one another. Each had its own little boathouse with a big speedboat inside. The campground consisted of RV after RV, each one bigger than the next. Each RV came equipped with its own pink flamingos and Wal-Mart porch furniture. Every person there also had his or her own golf cart in which to roll around. Although the campsite was only about a half mile long we hardly saw anyone walking or riding bikes but we saw countless people in their own little golf carts. I am sure they were working up their appetite for the meal-in-a-cup they would have later that evening. We met up with Robin’s friends and hung out on the lake with them amidst the other hundreds of boaters. We watched the fireworks above the lake from the boat with the reflections bouncing off the water as each exploded.

The day following the celebration Robin and I got Gyro back in the car and we made our way north to Wisconsin to visit her parents. Robin’s parents have a house on a lake there, which was night and day different from the Lake of the Ozarks. The lake was very calm and placid with little activity. Most of the houses were built off the shoreline so the shore was still beautiful and untouched. The morning after we arrived Robin’s dad took us up in his seaplane and we did a few passes on the lake scaring the hell out of the anglers in their little boat. When we returned to the house, we got out the sailboat, a full-mast Laser, and I took it out onto the lake. Being an inexperienced sailor on a one-man boat with an inconsistent wind was quite challenging. I spent more time in the water than on the boat. Almost as soon as I got it turned upright and got in it, the boat tipped over again. This continued until Robin and her dad came to my rescue with the pontoon boat. Her dad hopped into the sailboat as I took a rest on the pontoon. He made his way up and down the lake with no problems making it look so easy. He invited me back into the boat and we sailed for a little while together.

Later, Robin and I got into the canoe and paddled our way to a lagoon on one side of the lake. Countless lily pads were spread out within the lagoon. We returned home and the next day her parents took us into Minneapolis to the science museum for the Star Wars exhibit. It was very difficult for me to stop making light saber noises but then Robin gave me one of those looks that told me if I did not quit she would pretend she didn’t know me for at least a week. While in Wisconsin, we also took Robin’s grandma to a bald eagle preserve. We saw an eagle munching down on a rat and learned a lot about these symbols of American pride. About four days after we had arrived in Wisconsin we got back in the car and made our way west again. We stopped to spend the night in Nebraska and shortly after we had set up the tent large clouds formed on the horizon. An hour later we were hit by a massive thunderstorm. The sides of the tent were folding completely on top of us as the wind blew strong. Lightning lit up the tent at such a constant pace it seemed almost like daylight as thunder clapped all around us. Robin, Gyro, and I huddled as close together as humanly (and dogly) as possible. Eventually the storm passed and we were able to sleep, fortunate enough to have the tent still standing and internally dry.

We arrived the next day back in Colorado but stayed in the Denver area with my friend Nieve and her fiancé Michael. The next day we went back to my parents’ house in Colorado Springs. We spent the next couple of days there while I bought supplies for my South America trip, then we left the Springs and drove to Gunnison, Colorado, where my sister lives. We rode our bicycles around the north rim of Black Canyon and hiked around the Crested Butte area to Emerald Lake. While hiking we were caught in a huge storm that poured down rain and hailed. This day was actually our last together as Robin was leaving me the next day to return to Salt Lake City so it was fitting that we were soaked by the rain. The next day we packed up her car and said our goodbyes. We hugged, kissed, and cried not knowing when we would see each other again. I was devastated as I watched her drive away. We had only known each other for two and a half months but it seemed as though we packed six months worth of a relationship into those.

I had never been in a relationship like the one I had with Robin. We were so open and honest with each other that things were revealed that I would have never told anyone else. It was just so easy to open up to her when I knew she would not judge me for the way I felt or the things I thought. Had I not made up my mind to travel to South America I would have found it so easy to return with her to SLC. Unfortunately, this was it. The best relationship I’ve ever had I gave up for the pursuit of my own fantasy. As much as I hope to be with her again when I return, I have absolutely no idea what will be there when I get back. I have spent the last couple of days since she left in what feels like a state of shock. It is almost as though my brain doesn’t quite comprehend what I have given up. I do miss her but this is what we knew was going to happen. That doesn’t make it any easier though. I feel as though Colorado Springs has been my home for so long that I didn’t realize I was looking for a new home. I made a place for myself in Salt Lake City with friends and an amazing relationship. I can only hope and dream that someday I will return and rebuild that home for myself, whether in SLC or somewhere else. Until then I will continue my adventure.