Saying Goodbye

I began going to the Kanzeon Zen Center on a regular basis. I would sit meditation on Wednesday nights, attend the Sunday morning Dharma talks, and volunteer every Friday. Volunteering involved painting walls, gardening, cleaning, and any other odd jobs they had for me. I began meeting all sorts of fascinating people from George, the British poet gardener with the body of a 70-year-old but the soul of a teenager, to Christian, the German who up and moved his entire family to Salt Lake City from Germany just to study under the abbot at Kanzeon. Incidentally, the abbot of Kanzeon, Genpo Merzel Roshi, is world famous for the techniques he has developed through his experience with Zen. The technique is called Big Mind and is a form of psychotherapy with the aspect of Buddhism added in. It is amazing to sit in on a Sunday session and watch people just click with enlightenment as he or any of the other teachers lead us in Big Mind.

One Sunday morning I was sitting in Kanzeon with Vee and our friend Corrine as we listened to one of the Sensei’s gave a talk. After the talk, we all gathered downstairs for tea and cookies. Corrine and Vee started talking with a cute young woman and I joined in on the conversation. The young woman’s name was Robin. We all chatted for a while before we left Kanzeon. We were on our way to take Vee to get her first tattoo. We took her to the tattoo parlor and set her up with the artist and her design. The artist got to work and Corrine and I left them to it. Robin had invited us to coffee with a group she attends on a regular basis so Corrine and I took her up on the offer. Arriving at the coffee shop, we saw Robin and a couple other people gathered in the corner so we walked over and sat down. The whole time there, I was engaging Robin in conversation and trying to get any sort of feel about whether she was interested in me or not. After an hour or so of conversation, I still had no idea. We said goodbye then Corrine and I left to check on Vee. After a few more hours of tattooing, the permanent art on her back was complete. A transgender symbol with the words LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT circling within. It was beautifully done and very fitting for Vee.

A couple weeks passed by uneventfully while I occupied my time volunteering at the elementary school still and Kanzeon riding my bike to and from everywhere I went. Then my mom decided to come out to visit. She had heard me talking so much about Kanzeon and the Big Mind process and wanted to check it out for herself. She arrived on Thursday evening and I picked her up at the airport (in a borrowed car, not my bicycle). Over the next couple of days her brother, who lives in Salt Lake City, drove us around and the three of us hung out together. On Sunday morning the three of us went to the Zen Center and listened to a visiting Sensei from France give a talk on loving ourselves completely. Afterwards we had tea and cookies and saw Robin there again. I introduced her to my mom and uncle and invited her on a bike ride the next week. After agreeing to do so we parted ways and my uncle, mom, and I drove out to Antelope Island on the Great Salt Lake. While touring the island we saw herds of antelope and buffalo but the second we stepped out of the car we were attacked by no-see-um bugs that ate away at our flesh. Needless to say we spent most of the tour inside the car.

The next day my mom and I attended the Big Mind workshop at Kanzeon and she loved it. She and Genpo Roshi seemed to connect really well and she shared many things I never expected to hear from her. The next day Robin came over and she, my mom and I got on our bikes and made our way to a trail along the Jordan River. About ten miles into the ride my mom was getting tired and decided to head back so Robin and I continued alone. We had a good time riding and talking and did not turn around for another hour or so. When we arrived back at the house I made us all lunch. After lunch, my mom went to rest and Robin and I went out into the back yard. I laid down a blanket and brought out my guitar. I started playing for her and I saw tears start streaming down her face. After playing a few songs I set down my guitar, leaned over, and kissed her and I felt her lips passionately pressing back against mine. We were there on the blanket in the grass holding each other and kissing for what seemed like hours. Then she got up, said goodbye, kissed me, and left. I wouldn’t see her again for another week because she was heading to a conference in Southern California.

The next day I took my mom to the airport and dropped her off for her plane. I couldn’t stop thinking of Robin. While she was in California she called me and we talked on the phone for a long time. I figured out she was thinking a lot about me too. When she returned we started spending more and more time together. She would bring her Greyhound, Gyro, over and we would baby sit the boys together. Gyro is a four-year-old retired racer who is more afraid of two-year-old Casey than anything else in the world. It almost seemed as though Robin was torturing him by bringing him over to see the child. The more time Robin and I spent together the more we realized that this was the relationship we had both been looking for. The only problem was that I was leaving Salt Lake City at the end of June so we knew this was a long-term thing.

Robin took a trip to meet her family in Florida to watch a shuttle launch. While there, she let me use her car back in SLC. One morning I strapped my bike to the back of her car and made my way to the south side of Immigration Pass. I hopped on my bicycle and started heading up. Immigration Pass is so named because it was where the Mormons entered the Salt Lake City Valley. I climbed and climbed and climbed as the mountain became steeper and steeper. About two and a half hours later, I reached the peak of White Mountain. I stopped to take in the view and eat a sandwich I had prepared earlier then started down. Approximately twenty minutes later I found myself at the bottom. I have been riding around so much and pushing myself hard in order to prepare for my next adventure. In September, I am going to ride my bicycle to South America. This is the reason why I was leaving SLC in June. I wanted to spend a couple months in Colorado before heading out.

When Robin retuned from Florida we started preparing for a camping trip we would take the next week, right after Pride Weekend. Being intimately involved with a lesbian couple and their boys as well as having several homosexual friends Pride is almost as big an event for me as it is for them. Friends came into town that I had not seen in a few years, some not since I graduated from college. On Friday, Robin and I went for a hike in Little Cottonwood Canyon with my friend Michael. I hadn’t seen Michael in about two years and he and I were best friends in college. Saturday evening we went to the Pride grounds and danced to some great music. Sunday morning Robin and I went to Kanzeon together and the topic of the Dharma speech was impermanence. The facilitator asked to speak with our self that was going to die in three years. Speaking as the self that has three years to live puts many things into perspective. It shows what matters in your life and what you would accomplish if you knew you only had that long to live. He then asked to speak to the self that would die in three months followed by the one that would die in three weeks. When we came to that point I realized that I only had about three weeks left in SLC and that meant I had three weeks left with Robin. Therefore, this relationship was going to die in three weeks time. I started pouring my heart out and telling Robin how much I loved and cherished her. When I had finished the facilitator looked at us and said, “Wow, I know pronounce you husband and wife.” In true Zen fashion, it was completely unexpected.

After the talk, Robin and I joined up with the Hackford-Peers at Pride. As Casey napped Robin and I took Riley for a walk around the festivities and telling everyone we knew that we had been married that morning. We said that had we known before hand, we would have invited them. My mom completely flipped when I told her the news. Of course, she calmed down after I told her the whole story. The next day, Robin and I left on our “honeymoon”. We were dog sitting for a friend and took her black lab with us as Robin, Gyro, Jack (the lab), and I drove down to Southern Utah to go camping. We found a beautiful, remote camping spot about halfway between Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon. We stayed in a park called Deer Haven and it was gorgeous. We hiked around the area through groves of aspen trees and meadows of wildflowers before settling in for the night back at the campground. The next day we left the dogs at the campsite and drove to Bryce Canyon. We spent the day hiking in the exhausting heat around the many hoodoos and rock formations of Bryce.

We returned to the campsite, got the dogs, and drove further down the road to find a beautiful little lake where the dogs and we took a little swim. Returning to the campgrounds, I took the dogs to play fetch. Jack would run mercilessly back and forth after the tennis ball only too excited to have me throw it again. Gyro on the other hand had no interest in chasing inanimate objects. He was definitely happy chasing Jack though. Jack would take off running for the ball with Gyro following close behind then Gyro would kick in his speed and pass Jack as if he were standing still. He would run all the way back to me before Jack had even reached the ball. Then he would be exhausted and just stand there as I threw the ball for Jack another twenty to thirty times. The following morning Robin and I left the dogs again and made out way to Zion. We hiked up the most thrilling hike there called Angel’s Landing. It is five miles round-trip with an elevation gain of 1,488 feet up sheer cliffs with steep drop-offs. It was an amazing climb with a gorgeous view of the entire park from the top. After checking out the Weeping Wall and other sites along the Virgin River, we left Zion and had a romantic at a restaurant surrounded by the red cliffs of Southern Utah. The next day we packed up the car and the dogs and headed home.

Riley was out of school by this point and we spent most of the next two weeks together. We rode bicycles almost everyday, played with Lego’s, fought each other with light sabers as Jedi’s, and swam at the swimming pool; you know, a typical boy’s summer day. Robin and I also took Riley camping during this time, which was his first-ever camping trip. It took a lot of work to convince his moms to let him go. We took him to American Fork Canyon, just south of Salt Lake City. We did all the usual camping activities including hiking, building a fire, roasting marshmallows, and playing the wooden flute. He loved it. By the end of that week it was time for me to leave Salt Lake City. Robin was actually heading east on a long road trip so she was going to take me to Colorado. Saying goodbye to the Hackford-Peers was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do. Riley was bawling the entire night but managed to choke back enough tears to give me a gift. Out of his pocket, he drew two rocks, one with the word LOVE written on it and the other with the word FAMILY. He told me to chose one and the one I chose I would take with me on my travels. He would keep the other and whenever either of us missed the other we would squeeze the rock and remember all the fun we had together. As he went to bed, I laid there with him until he fell asleep, then I went and said my goodbyes to the rest of the family. We all cried together and gave each other big hugs. Vee and Corrine were there as well so they were witness to the entire event.

Driving back to Robin’s place with her that night I couldn’t stop crying. I can’t believe how much heartache I caused a six year-old boy and how much I hurt from leaving him. That night Robin and I talked and cried in each other’s arms. The next morning we got in the car and made our way to Colorado. We made it to my parent’s house late that evening and crashed, completely exhausted. Gyro loved being at my parent’s place. There was enough space to run while dodging the trees spotted all around. We spent the weekend with my parents and other family members who were in town visiting. The day before Robin left to continue her road trip she asked if I would come along. She was going to the Lake of the Ozarks to spend the 4th of July with some friends before she drove up to Wisconsin to see her folks. I thought that since she had met my parents it was only fitting that I met hers so I agreed to join her.

We drove east from Colorado Springs into Kansas and spent the night at a campground along a lake. I never knew Kansas could be pretty but we managed to find some beauty. Continuing on we made our way to Missouri and wound up at the Lake of the Ozarks. Arriving at the lake, we were given a glimpse into a present day version of the movie Wall-E which we had seen just before we left. The shore of the lake was littered with houses right up against the shore and right next to one another. Each had its own little boathouse with a big speedboat inside. The campground consisted of RV after RV, each one bigger than the next. Each RV came equipped with its own pink flamingos and Wal-Mart porch furniture. Every person there also had his or her own golf cart in which to roll around. Although the campsite was only about a half mile long we hardly saw anyone walking or riding bikes but we saw countless people in their own little golf carts. I am sure they were working up their appetite for the meal-in-a-cup they would have later that evening. We met up with Robin’s friends and hung out on the lake with them amidst the other hundreds of boaters. We watched the fireworks above the lake from the boat with the reflections bouncing off the water as each exploded.

The day following the celebration Robin and I got Gyro back in the car and we made our way north to Wisconsin to visit her parents. Robin’s parents have a house on a lake there, which was night and day different from the Lake of the Ozarks. The lake was very calm and placid with little activity. Most of the houses were built off the shoreline so the shore was still beautiful and untouched. The morning after we arrived Robin’s dad took us up in his seaplane and we did a few passes on the lake scaring the hell out of the anglers in their little boat. When we returned to the house, we got out the sailboat, a full-mast Laser, and I took it out onto the lake. Being an inexperienced sailor on a one-man boat with an inconsistent wind was quite challenging. I spent more time in the water than on the boat. Almost as soon as I got it turned upright and got in it, the boat tipped over again. This continued until Robin and her dad came to my rescue with the pontoon boat. Her dad hopped into the sailboat as I took a rest on the pontoon. He made his way up and down the lake with no problems making it look so easy. He invited me back into the boat and we sailed for a little while together.

Later, Robin and I got into the canoe and paddled our way to a lagoon on one side of the lake. Countless lily pads were spread out within the lagoon. We returned home and the next day her parents took us into Minneapolis to the science museum for the Star Wars exhibit. It was very difficult for me to stop making light saber noises but then Robin gave me one of those looks that told me if I did not quit she would pretend she didn’t know me for at least a week. While in Wisconsin, we also took Robin’s grandma to a bald eagle preserve. We saw an eagle munching down on a rat and learned a lot about these symbols of American pride. About four days after we had arrived in Wisconsin we got back in the car and made our way west again. We stopped to spend the night in Nebraska and shortly after we had set up the tent large clouds formed on the horizon. An hour later we were hit by a massive thunderstorm. The sides of the tent were folding completely on top of us as the wind blew strong. Lightning lit up the tent at such a constant pace it seemed almost like daylight as thunder clapped all around us. Robin, Gyro, and I huddled as close together as humanly (and dogly) as possible. Eventually the storm passed and we were able to sleep, fortunate enough to have the tent still standing and internally dry.

We arrived the next day back in Colorado but stayed in the Denver area with my friend Nieve and her fiancé Michael. The next day we went back to my parents’ house in Colorado Springs. We spent the next couple of days there while I bought supplies for my South America trip, then we left the Springs and drove to Gunnison, Colorado, where my sister lives. We rode our bicycles around the north rim of Black Canyon and hiked around the Crested Butte area to Emerald Lake. While hiking we were caught in a huge storm that poured down rain and hailed. This day was actually our last together as Robin was leaving me the next day to return to Salt Lake City so it was fitting that we were soaked by the rain. The next day we packed up her car and said our goodbyes. We hugged, kissed, and cried not knowing when we would see each other again. I was devastated as I watched her drive away. We had only known each other for two and a half months but it seemed as though we packed six months worth of a relationship into those.

I had never been in a relationship like the one I had with Robin. We were so open and honest with each other that things were revealed that I would have never told anyone else. It was just so easy to open up to her when I knew she would not judge me for the way I felt or the things I thought. Had I not made up my mind to travel to South America I would have found it so easy to return with her to SLC. Unfortunately, this was it. The best relationship I’ve ever had I gave up for the pursuit of my own fantasy. As much as I hope to be with her again when I return, I have absolutely no idea what will be there when I get back. I have spent the last couple of days since she left in what feels like a state of shock. It is almost as though my brain doesn’t quite comprehend what I have given up. I do miss her but this is what we knew was going to happen. That doesn’t make it any easier though. I feel as though Colorado Springs has been my home for so long that I didn’t realize I was looking for a new home. I made a place for myself in Salt Lake City with friends and an amazing relationship. I can only hope and dream that someday I will return and rebuild that home for myself, whether in SLC or somewhere else. Until then I will continue my adventure.

Home, home on the Wasatch Range

Salt Lake City is a very easy city to navigate through, unless you grew up on the front range of Colorado. The streets of the city are based upon a grid system with the Mormon Temple at the middle and then streets spreading out into each of the four cardinal directions. The only problem with this system, from a Coloradan standpoint, is that the mountains are to the East. To see the sun rise above the mountains in the morning is very disturbing since I always perceived the mountains silhouetted against the backdrop of the setting sun. Due to this one pertinent aspect it took a couple weeks for me to get my bearings.

Almost immediately after I arrived in the city the one pair of pants I owned began to show signs of extreme wear. This was probably due to the fact that I spent a lot of time on my hands and knees following a two year-old around the house. Rough-housing with a six year-old takes its toll as well. I decided it was time for a new pair and went out on a search for them. After searching several stores and not finding any hemp clothing I looked into one last store, the Dancing Crane. They were out of stock on their hemp clothing, I was out of luck. While at the Dancing Crane I did find out that there was a Tibetan Buddhist monastery in town and decided to check it out. I went to the monastery and attended an hour long meditation session. Some people may not consider sitting for an hour not thinking about thinking to be a lot of fun but I highly enjoyed it. I have been meditating for about two years now and find it very beneficial. After meditating I returned home and ordered a pair of hemp pants online. About a week later I bent over to pick up a pencil off the floor and the pants I was wearing split completely in half revealing to Kim and Ruth the brightness of my white ass. Averting their eyes they prayed that my new pants came quickly. As it so happens, the pants arrived that day just in time for Ruth, the boys and I to head out to the small town of Roosevelt to visit Ruth’s family.

Meeting the Hackford clan is an outrageous event for even the strongest of individuals. Ruth’s mother, like many grandmothers, is affectionately labeled Nana. Nana greeted us as we entered the house with her thick southwestern accent. Ruth’s dad, Papa, came out to say hello then retreated to his office to continue his spider solitaire game on the computer. Soon after cousins and sisters and other family members arrived at the house and the noise level quickly rose to an uproar. Riley spent his time with his cousin’s playing with electric circuit sets and learning obscene songs that only six year-olds have the audacity to perform for their grandparents. Casey and I were content to read pop-up books and play with puzzles while everybody else went about their normal family behavior. A casual observer might have thought that everybody was upset and constantly yelling at each other but the weekend progressed without the slightest decrease in volume so I concluded that this was just the voice this family used to speak to each other.

For months now Riley had been very interested in two things often synonymous with each other: guns, and church. These are probably the two main subjects the Hackford-Peer household just does not associate with. Other than Ruth though, the entire Hackford family members are avid hunters. When Riley was given the option of going out shooting with Papa on Sunday morning or going to the Mormon Church with his cousins he chose the latter. Since I had never been to a Mormon service before I decided to join them as well. First, we sat through the hour long Sacrament in which the High Council spoke of topics so irrelevant I was lost before they even started speaking and then we all partook of some bread and water. At least in the Catholic church we get alcohol. After the Sacrament was a scripture class in which we were taught from the book of Mormon. Following the class, the men and women separated to discuss other aspects of the religion. After three hours of Church we finally headed back home. When asked what he thought about church Riley said that he loved it. I’m sure I would have too if I got to sing fun songs and eat cupcakes. We packed up the car and Ruth, Riley, Casey and I made our way back to SLC.

That next week I began volunteering at Riley’s school. Riley is in a duel-immersion school in which half the students are native Spanish speakers. Right now Riley spends about 25 percent of his time in a Spanish speaking classroom and the other 75 percent with other English speaking students. After my wanderings through Spain I decided I wanted to learn Spanish so I started volunteering in the Spanish speaking Kindergarten class. The children are amazing and I love when they call me Señor Will. I began reading books to the children who don’t get read to very often and though my vocabulary leaves something to be desired I am able to read books that I know well enough in English to pick up the other words in Spanish. I read books like La Pequeña Locamotora que si Pudo (The Little Engine that could) and Si Le Das Una Galletita a un Raton (If You Give a Mouse a Cookie). My Spanish has improved significantly and I am grateful for this practice.

A friend of mine from college in Alamosa had moved out here to the Salt Lake area almost a year ago to be near the Hackford-Peer family as well. Vee offered to take me snowboarding if I would teach her some things. She had only been twice before and was hoping to get some pointers. We went up to the mountains, strapped on our gear and headed up the lift. As so often happens with beginner snowboarders she fell immediately after dismounting from the chairlift. She got up, strapped in, and we took off down the mountain. The first run took approximately half and hour but by the end of the day she was getting down the run in about ten minutes. We took a little break during the middle of the day and I was able to go off on my own exploring Utah’s self-proclaimed “Greatest Snow on Earth”. I have to say that although I have been in situations that have had better conditions, the Utah snow did impress me. I had a blast flowing through the powder among great tree runs. By the end of the day, I’ll say I was very satisfied.

With spring around the corner the weather off and on became better and better. On one particularly nice Sunday afternoon Vee, the family and I went to the Hogle Zoo. Casey, being particularly interested in elephants, wanted to see the pachyderms first so we headed that way. As soon as we arrived at the elephant enclosure the elephant closest to us let loose a giant load. Riley saw it and yelled out “Mama! That elephant just took a huge shit!” Suppressing a laugh Ruth turned to him and said, “We are in a public place; use the word ‘poop’.” After that we saw the usual suspects, lions, tigers, bears; Dorothy would have been proud. At the end of the day we took a ride on the train that wound around the play park through the buffalo pen and past the bald eagles. By then we were zoo’d out.

I kept going to the Tibetan monastery and even took Vee with me once. It was apparent though that this wasn’t really doing anything for me. Perhaps it was the weird chanting or the extreme ritualism but it just wasn’t my thing. I talked a bit with the Lama’s wife who recommended I check out the Zen center here in town. Vee and I decided to check it out together. The trip to the Zen center would have to wait though as we had other adventures forthcoming. The following weekend we all went to the beautiful city of Moab.


With its red painted cliffs and desert scenery Moab is a city photographers love to capture. Yet even photographs do not do the area justice. Moab is surrounded by a couple of National parks including Canyonlands and Arches. We decided to do some hiking through Arches National Monument. With Riley clambering over rocks and Casey in tow we made the 1.5 mile hike up to Delicate Arch, the signature landmark of the park. Snowcapped peaks in the background provided a striking contrast to the crimson colored rock that made the hike especially beautiful. After seeing a few more arches it was time to head back to the rented condo. That evening some other friends from Alamosa, Teri and Tim, managed to join us in Moab. Beer and wine flowed all evening while tequila shots were consumed. Needless to say, the night quickly became a blur. Awaking the next morning to a horrible hangover we ate breakfast and packed up our things. Vee and I decided to take another little hike through Arches before getting out of Moab. We walked up a trail to see beautiful formations including the landscape arch and wall arch. On our way back down to the car we were hit by a cold front which started dropping snow the minute we entered the parking lot.


Once we got to the car we had to hurry so I could catch a bus out of Green River, Utah. My parents were on their way to Las Vegas because my dad had a conference there and I decided to join them. We arrived in Green River just minutes before the bus showed up but I was able to hop on. The bus rolled along through the hills of southern Utah in inclement weather with no real problems. After six hours we arrived in Las Vegas and my parents showed up at the bus station to pick me up. It had only been about two and half months since I saw them last but it was wonderful to see them again. While dad spent his days in meetings mom and I sunbathed by the pool or went on adventures. The first day we were there mom and I went in search of a wooden flute, the kind used in Native American music. We found one that was perfect for me and we bought it. I started playing and discovered just how easy it was to play.

The following day mom and I went to check out the Hoover Dam. We came within two miles of it to find that traffic had slowed to a crawl. When we finally arrived at the dam there were so many people we just decided to continue on. A few miles later we saw a sign that pointed to a road saying there was a beach in that direction. We thought we’d check it out. After driving another couple miles down a steep and curvy road we found ourselves at the foot of Mohave Lake, a 27 mile long lake with canyon walls running up either side. We disembarked and started walking along the water’s edge. After climbing over an outcropping we reached a secluded beach. We sat down and listened to the water lapping against the small rocks on the shore. I pulled out my flute and began to play. Melodic notes echoed through the canyon bouncing off the wall and skimming the water. The echo provided the harmony to the melody I played. Several minutes later I stopped and was absorbed in silence. All of a sudden, within feet of the shoreline, a loon popped to the surface of the water. To see this beautiful waterfowl in a desert environment during the middle of the day is so unlikely that I would have thought it impossible had I not seen it with my own eyes and had someone there to confirm the sighting.

This was an incredible experience for both my mother and I as it related us to our summers spent in Canada upon the lakes of Muskoka. At dawn or dusk one could often hear the call of the loon and would be moved by the eerie yet beautiful sound. Then we would see the loons pop up in the middle of the lake for a few seconds before diving back under the glassy surface for minutes at a time. As I said, to see a loon at a lake in the middle of the desert during the middle of the day was quite and extraordinary experience. It remained on the surface just long enough to get a good look at us before it disappeared again beneath the water. Returning to our room at the Flamingo hotel we were ecstatic and couldn’t wait to tell my dad about it. While in Vegas we were able to catch a few shows including Monty Python’s Spamalot and the Cirque de Soleil: Ka. After a week spent with my parents it was time to head back to Salt Lake.

I hung out with Vee that weekend and we did some hiking in the area. Easter Sunday we decided to check out the Zen Center. We arrived and did a half hour of meditating before listening to a talk given by one of the Senseis. The talk was very profound and enlightening about the nature of Karma. The Sensei mentioned that many people see Karma as a reward and punishment system yet the true nature of it is more in tune with the laws of physics. For every action there is a reaction. Simply put, Karma is physics, a common law throughout the universe, nothing more. Although what he talked about was something I already believed I felt intrigued by his speech. I decided to return to the Zen center the following Wednesday for Zazen, or sitting meditation. I found that this was much more in tune with what I was looking for than anything else I had previously found. I have since been attending the Sunday morning workshops and Wednesday Zazen and feel confident that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

The week after I returned from Vegas was Riley’s Spring Break. Although the weather was not wonderful there were a few days that we were able to get outside and do some things. One of the outdoor activities Riley and I undertook was learning how to ride a bike. That is, I was helping him learn. For a couple days we took his little purple bike to the elementary school parking lot. He put on all his gear including knee and elbow pads, a helmet, and a biker jacket. Once prepared he got on the bike and raced off. After several attempts at finding balance and falling over he finally started to get the hang of it. After three days of riding he was already riding without assistance all around the school. He still has trouble taking off and landing, as he says, but he is so close to being independent. Before starting out he and I made a bet. I bet that Casey would be potty-trained before he could completely ride on his own. Right now Riley is so close and Casey has no interest what so ever in pooping on the toilet. It looks like I may have lost this bet. I will be spending a whole day playing whatever games Riley wants to play. I guess it could be worse.

The Hackford-Peers have truly become my family and I love them dearly. Life here has become as normal as life can be and I feel grateful to be who I am in this place. I am surrounded by people who really care about me and offer so much support. I know that I am influencing their lives as positively as they are mine and that wherever I go in this life I will always have another family to come home to.

Mormons and Whales and Lesbian Tales

Colorado brought many changes to me. Determining how to integrate all that I had discovered in my travels into the life of a commercial and consumer culture was quite difficult. My life in Colorado was completely different from the life I lived traveling with all my belongings strapped to my back. I noticed how excessive this culture is. We equate waste with privilege. America believes that we have the ability to buy cheap products then discard them so we must be a rich society. We are anything but. Coming back to this was very challenging for me mentally, spiritually, and physically. Not even a week after returning my skin and eyes took on a yellow hue. It was clear that my liver was having problems and that I was jaundiced. My mother and I visited a naturopathic doctor who took blood samples to be tested and advised me on how to care for my body in the state it was in. The results of the blood test came back within a couple days. The ND diagnosed me with Hepatitis B. She made a tincture of milk thistle and gave me several other remedies to take until the situation had improved. Because the remedies tasted horrible I knew they had to be working.

A couple weeks later I went with my mom and dad to Pensacola, Florida to visit my grandmother and soak up some sun. While there we walked along the deserted, white sandy beach, we celebrated my grandmother’s birthday, and my mom and I took a day trip to New Orleans. While in New Orleans we enjoyed the balmy November weather of 80 degrees. We walked around the city listening to street musicians play the blues. We ate bengets covered in powdered sugar in the French Quarter. I even had my palm read by a street palm reader who told me I was a very old soul and would have a long life. Back in Colorado I spent most of my days with my mom hiking in the mountains or chilling at the house. In the evenings my dad, mom, and I would relax with movies, cards, books, or whatever else we wanted. The Florida sun, family time, and herbal medications improved my physical condition tremendously. Within weeks my skin and eyes had returned to their normal color and I felt better than ever. During the next couple weeks I spent a lot of time with my parents and also some great friends I’ve had since high school.

In mid December my sister Christina came home from college. She, my parents and I were taking a trip to Maui in the Hawaiian Islands. We took off from Denver with snow littering the tarmac and landed on the lima bean shaped island in the tropics. With the sun shining and wind blowing we hopped in the rented convertible and made our way to the condo. We stayed in an apartment overlooking the waves of the ocean calming lapping the shore. Palm trees abounded and tropical birds flew all around us. We spent most of our days bathing in the sun on the beautiful beaches and snorkeling in the warm clear water of the Pacific Ocean. We swam amidst millions of brightly colored fish, eels, and sea turtles. This time of year was mating season for the Humpback whales. Hundreds of whales gather in the warm waters surrounding Maui to challenge for mates and to spawn. These massive creatures were abundant while we were there so we saw several of them. They would breach only a hundred feet away and yet it seemed as though we could just reach out and touch them. Looking out over the water from the boat I would suddenly see a great plume of water jetting into the air. Following that the hump would emerge that gave these giant mammals their name, and then the tail would pop out of the water and dive again. What impressive animals these are. Just watching how graceful a 40 ton animal can be in the water is inspiring.

While in Maui we took a couple of day trips. One of these days we drove the infamous Road to Hana. With steep downgrades and sharp curves the thirty mile drive takes about two hours. Along the way we passed through massive rain forests and saw incredible water falls. We stopped at the Garden of Eden arboretum and walked among beautiful flower gardens and lush vegetation. I found several spiders that captivated me as I had never seen creatures that looked so alien yet so familiar. I filled my camera with pictures of these amazing spiders and spent much of my time observing them in their silken homes. Near the end of the Road to Hana there is an area known as O’heo Gulch or the Seven Sacred Pools. Here we stopped and found a hiking trail that led up through the forest. We hiked this trail passing fast flowing waterfalls and trees larger around than I had ever imagined. Part of the journey led us through an intense bamboo forest. For about ¾ of a mile we hiked in the shade of these tall trees as we listened to the clacking of the bamboo being knocked together by the wind. Upon finally arriving at the end of the trail we were met by one of the tallest waterfalls in the world. Waimoku Falls drops 400 feet down a sheer lava rock cliff to land gently in a pool of water below. Bathing in the spray at the bottom was refreshing after the long hike up. Hiking down took considerably less time as we were going downhill and had already seen the sights on the way up.

Another of our day trips began in the early morning hours as we drove to the top of the Maui crater. Extremely cold weather greeted us when we arrived as the sun was rising over the horizon. Clouds shifted on and around the mountain top highlighting the crest of the crater. Inside the crater the earth was bare and resembled a Martian landscape. Red and brown rocks crumbled and littered the terrain while small ice crystals formed between the cracks beneath our feet. From the top of the crater we could see the entire island from the sugar plantations to the Iao Valley.

We celebrated my parents’ 27th wedding anniversary there on the island by taking a sunset cocktail cruise. Since it was a cocktail cruise the alcohol was flowing freely and we all quenched our thirst. The rocking of the boat did not help our standing situation so we finally found that it was much easier to sit and hold on than attempt getting up for another drink. This was probably a good thing as when we exited the boat we still had a difficult time walking straight. When we arrived back on shore we made our way to the nearby miniature golf and family adventure park. Rather than putting we spent most of the time throwing the golf balls at the holes or retrieving them from the water traps. The next day with slight hangovers we made our way to the airport to return home. Leaving the beautiful tropical weather of Maui behind us we returned to a cold and snow-packed Colorado.

A couple days later, on Christmas Eve, my brother Peter flew in from San Francisco. That evening my mom and I sang in the choir at the Catholic Church my family has been a part of for years. We followed our yearly tradition of attending midnight mass then returned home to sleep the night away. Christmas day we woke up to fresh snow on the ground and fewer presents under the tree than we had ever experienced before. This year was a very simple Christmas for our family involving a trip to Maui rather than material gifts and I think we all preferred it this way; at least I know that I did. The holiday season was truly joyous and a celebration of family. The focus was on relationships and spirituality rather than on physical gifts being exchanged. It was the best Christmas I had ever had. A few days later Peter left us to return to his home in California. Following that I organized a New Year’s Eve party at my house. I invited all my high school friends as well as all their parents. It was a fascinating combination of the two generations coming together for the first time in several years. The party celebrated the dawn of a new year with many hopes, dreams, and anticipations of the year to come.

Not quite a week later I said goodbye to my parents and left with Christina on our way to her house in Gunnison, Colorado. I spent the next two weeks with her in the coldest region of the continental United States. While there we experienced temperatures of forty degrees below zero and six feet of snow. Many days were spent snowboarding on the mountain of Crested Butte while other days I played with Christina’s dog Tyson along the snowy banks of the frozen Tomichi River. I had a blast hanging out with my sister and her friends. While I was there we celebrated Christina’s 21st birthday in true college 21st birthday style. Needless to say much passing out and throwing up was involved. Two days after her birthday Christina and her boyfriend Jordon drove me out to Grand Junction in Western Colorado. There I met some friends of mine from college who picked me up and drove me to their home in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I have been living with my friends, Kim and Ruth, for nearly a week now and definately want to stay a lot longer. I met them while attending college in Alamosa, Colorado. As a lesbian couple they were quite the oddity in the small town and the fact that they had a one year-old son added to that oddity. We became fast friends. I have always adored children and when asked to baby-sit the one year-old Riley I jumped at the opportunity. Before my senior year of college they moved away to Salt Lake. We stayed in touch and during my road trips to and from Mammoth Lakes, California I would stop in and visit. Riley grew bigger and bigger every time I saw him. He is now six years-old and the moment he saw me he gave me a huge hug; he has yet to let go. He calls me his “brudda” which is Riley-talk for brother as he has yet to master his “r” sounds. He, along with his nearly two year-old brother Casey and his two mommies have become my new family. I am so grateful to be here with them and look forward to all the adventures we will have together. Until next time, adios from Mormon land!

Boa Onda

After a few days of relaxation in Altura I decided it was time to head off to new adventures. I was very grateful for the hospitality shown me by Madelena and her daughter and I hope I expressed that gratitude while in their company. I used the money left over from the past couple days to buy a couple bus tickets to Largos on the South Atlantic tip of Portugal. When the bus arrived I began walking out of town to reach the highway. I turned down a dirt road and walked until the sun set. When the sky darkened I stopped at a run down barn which was apparently still functional as that night my neighbor was a giant pig in the pen next to where I slept. When I woke up the next morning I packed my things and proceeded to the highway. I was picked up shortly after I started hitchhiking and asked the driver where I could find a cool beach surrounded by cliffs. He took me to a huge surfing beach where giant cliffs rose out of the ocean on either side of me. Relaxing there for a little while I was hoping to find some people to hang out with. After being around people who spoke little to no English over the past couple weeks I was starting to feel the desire for company. I pulled out my guitar and started playing hoping that someone would arrive and relieve me my loneliness. After a couple hours I realized I wouldn’t find what I was looking for there so I packed up and moved on. A couple rides later I was picked up by two young guys both of whom spoke English. They were part of a small punk-rock band and were heading to a jam session. They invited me to join them and I immediately took them up on the offer. While waiting for the drummer to show up I pulled out my guitar (whom I named Jana ;) and they each proceeded to take her for a little “test drive”. The three guys were all very good guitarists. They taught me a couple of chords and gave me some good tips on guitar playing. The drummer finally arrived and after we smoked a couple joints they started jamming. Being the talented musicians they are they played several songs, all very entertaining as I sat back and listened. When they finished we all went out for drinks. They took me to a bar down by the ocean where we drank, and drank, and drank some more. By the time the bar closed we were pretty smashed. No one was able to put me up for the night so I wandered down the street in a drunken stupor and passed out on a dirt road.

Waking up the next morning with a headache I made my way to the road where I could hitch a ride. Hitching with a hangover is difficult enough, standing in the hot Portuguese sun as trucks fly by, but once I came close to Lisbon there were no more small roads to hitch on, only the freeway. In Portugal, as with most countries in Europe, it is illegal to hitchhike on the freeway thus people are very unlikely to pick a hitchhiker up. After waiting at the freeway entrance unsuccessfully I started walking up onto the highway. I figured I could at least make it to a service station or something where I might have some luck. After walking along the highway for a bit I was greeted by a large road sign that told me the next service station was 20 kilometers ahead. Disparaged I could do nothing but continue walking. A couple kilometers down the road I saw a small delivery truck pulled over on the side of the road with his emergency lights flashing. I ran to it. Upon arrival at the truck I looked in the window to see a guy on his cell phone. I tapped on the window and he looked at me with a most quizzical look. Although he didn’t speak any English and I didn’t speak Portuguese I managed to get across that I was in need of a lift to the next service station or something. I jumped in the cab and we had a very limited conversation. I asked where he was going and it turned out he was heading near Sintra, a place I was recommended to check out by one of the guys the night before, so I asked if he could take me there. After a long ride in the quiet cab we arrived in Sintra. After saying goodbye I proceeded up the hill to the city. By this time it was well after the sun had set and I was just looking for a place to sleep. Walking up a large hill I saw a guy leaning out of his ground floor window smoking a joint. I walked up to him and asked if he spoke English. After telling him I was looking for a place to sleep he asked me how much I wanted to spend, I replied, “zero”. He thought for a second then told me to meet him in the front of his house. He came out of his house and after introducing himself as Bruno we got into his car. We drove up a large hill way back in the forest and he led me to an abandoned house. Apparently this house had been built a few years ago by a drug dealer on this preserved land. Now the dealer was in jail and his house was often used for parties on the weekends. There was no one there this night so it was a good place to stay. Since it was on top of a large hill it had a beautiful view of Lisbon and the surrounding waters. I slept soundly amongst the broken glass and profane graffiti tagged on the walls. I awoke the next morning to a beautiful sunrise above Lisbon. I walked around that day enjoying the beauty that is Sintra. As the shadows lengthened and the day grew darker it also got colder. I didn’t have many warm clothes as I wasn’t anticipating being in cold weather anytime soon. I put on all the clothes I had and tried to keep warm under a small structure. I then went up to Bruno’s house again to see if he was home. I waited about half an hour for him to return and he found me huddled beneath a street lamp using my sleeping bag to keep warm. He invited me into his car and had me wait there for a half hour while he went to eat dinner with his family. He came out half an hour later with a bag containing hot soup, a roast beef sandwich, juice and sweet bread. He also had another bag with food for breakfast. He drove me back up the hill to the abandoned house where we smoked a joint before he left. Another night in the creepy house followed.

I arose the next morning ready to move on. I got a ride straight away off the road with a professional Judo martial artist. After dropping me off I was shortly picked up by a 24 year-old named Antonio. He invited me to come hang out with him and his girlfriend. Since they lived with their respective parents they would spend their Saturdays chilling at the back of a grocery store. Antonio took me to the store and left me there. He only had a two-seater car so he left to pick up Miriam, his girlfriend. They arrived a few minutes later and he parked the car at the edge of the deserted parking lot. We spent several hours together drinking beer, smoking joints, playing music, and talking about everything. They taught me some really cool Portuguese phrases such as “foda-se”, “paz e amor”, “tenho saudades da minha familia”, and my personal favorite “boa onda” which means “good wave”. Boa onda is the feeling you have when everything is just as it should be. About halfway through the day the clouds broke open and started pouring down rain. We moved under the shopping cart return cover of the parking lot where we continued our conversations. Antonio pulled out a huge binder full of guitar tablatures and told me to take whichever ones I wanted. I went through and picked out songs I knew that I would be able to play. Miriam, Antonio and I spent another few hours under the meager protection of the shopping cart cover until it was time to continue on. I said goodbye to Miriam and hoped in Antonio’s car with him. He first took me to the grocery store where he bought me whatever groceries I wanted. Then we drove down the highway a few kilometers where he dropped me off at a nice service station. We said goodbye and he drove off.

The service station had a kitchen and everything and seeing me come in with all my things out of the rain one of the attendants gave me a nice hot bowl of soup. As I sat slurping up my soup a man came over asking if I wanted a ride up the road. He was only going a few kilometers but he could at least take me to the next service station. I agreed to go with him and after finishing the soup hopped in his really nice Mercedes. The 60 kilometers we traveled took only about 10 minutes at the speed he traveled. He dropped me off and I headed inside. A furious game of football (or soccer if you prefer) was underway on the tv and the station attendants were caught up in watching it. I set down my things and joined them in enjoying the game. When the game finished one of the attendants told me I could pull out my guitar and start playing if I wanted, so I did. He mentioned he played a little guitar himself so he picked up Jana and started playing a bit. He taught me a couple things such as the intro to Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”. Then he and the other people left leaving only me and the night attendant. I pulled out my sleeping bag in the corner of the station and managed to catch a couple hours sleep. I woke up and hung out with the other attendant playing guitar and teaching him some English. After a little while he handed me a paper bag full of sandwiches and drinks. He also gave me a nice blanket and scarf. By this time my bag was about ten times heavier than it had been in the last month from all the food I was carrying. When morning arrived and people began filing into the station I packed up my things and set up a note indicating the direction I was going and asking for a ride. I sat there for hours reading and playing Jana. At one point a woman walked up to me and handed me three euros thanking me for the music. Eventually the same attendant who taught me some guitar said he was leaving for the day and could take me to the beach town of Nazré so I decided to go with him there. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the beautiful beach watching the waves crash against the cliff faces and seeing children play in the sand and sea. I played more music while sitting on a bench. A young boy walked by with a little toy guitar and his mother. He was fascinated by my guitar playing, as simplistic as it was. He pulled on his mom’s sleeve and she gave him some change. He walked over and handed me a euro and a half. After playing for a little while I made my way to an alley where I prepared a wonderful meal from all the food I had. While eating a guy came up to me and started speaking in French. He invited me to the bar right next to where I was eating for a couple glasses of Portuguese wine. After that I walked back down to the beach where I set up camp for the night.

After awaking I made my way up the hill to where I could continue hitchhiking. I was picked up minutes after I stuck my thumb out and within two rides made it all the way to Coimbra, a nice city with the oldest university in Europe. As it was a descent sized city I decided to catch a bus out in order to begin hitching again. I went to the station and bought a ticket for as far as I could go on the four euros I had. A thirty minute bus ride later left me on the side of the road in a small town. I tried hitchhiking for a couple hours until the sun began to set. Just as I was about to stop for the night and find a place to sleep a car pulled over. In the driver’s seat was a middle aged woman and in the back seat was her two daughters, one 13 and one 3. The woman, Margarida, spoke English and French and so we were able to communicate fairly well. I asked her if there was a nice park or some other place I could sleep in the town they were heading to. She said she didn’t know of any but that she had plenty of room in her house and I was welcome to stay with them. We arrived at her place and she made dinner as I took a bath. After eating we said goodnight and I slept in an incredibly comfortable bed beneath the skylight. In the morning I ate breakfast with Salome, the three year-old, on the porch as we watched Safira, the other daughter, walk off to school. That day as the girls were in school and Margarida was working I relaxed in and around the house. When they returned we went out to a nice restaurant where we ate Portuguese food including an appetizer of pig’s ear. The following day Margarida took Salome and me to the local market where she bought me a couple pairs of really comfortable socks. That evening I played guitar and taught Safira a little bit about playing as well. The four of us had a great evening together and I really felt like I was part of the family. The next day Margarida and I took Salome to school and then she took me to Visseu. Visseu is a beautiful old city, most of it built on huge granite rocks. After touring the city we proceeded another 200 kilometers east to the border between Portugal and Spain. Margarida and I ate lunch then she bought me a nice fleece jacket. I couldn’t thank this woman enough for all she had done for me. All I could do was try to express my gratitude in the most heartfelt way possible. She then looked me in the eye and sincerely said “Thank you for everything you have done also.”

I left Margarida and walked across the border into Spain. I was stopped there by border police who checked my bag and passport to make sure I wasn’t an illegal American immigrant smuggling pounds of hash from Morocco. After sending me on my way I set up at the edge of the highway to catch a ride. About an hour after I started a man pulled over and took me about 150 kilometers to Salamanca. I spent a few hours on the outskirts of the city trying to catch a ride but was unsuccessful. Darkness fell upon me and I went in search of a place to sleep. I found a plot of grass in between a couple apartment buildings where I brought out my bag and fell asleep. The night was very cold and upon waking the next morning I found my sleeping bag wet from the dew that gathered on the grass. As the sun rose so did I, setting my things out in the sunshine to dry them off as I put on every piece of clothing I had to keep warm. Once the day did finally start to heat up I set out in search of another freeway entrance. I found one and sat for a few hours trying to catch a ride. With nothing forthcoming I headed into the city. Walking around a bit I found the bus station and decided to check on a bus to France though I had no money. The only bus to France was going non-stop to Paris that afternoon and cost 95 euros. So it was either raise 95 euros by six o’clock that evening or try my hand at hitchhiking again. Naturally I tried to raise the money. I went to Western Unions and travel agencies seeing if I could send myself the money or use my mom’s credit card number to book the ride. Nothing worked. So I sat down on a bench and played with Jana for awhile. I then realized I was on the road which led to another freeway entrance. I started walking. Past car dealerships and shipping warehouses I finally made it to the highway. I set my things down and stuck out my thumb. About a half hour later a guy in a van picked me up and drove me to a service station about 200 kilometers down the road. There I made myself dinner and made a half-attempt to hitchhike more. I figured I could spend the night there at the station and at least be warm and dry but if someone picked me up to take me further down the road I’d be happy also. Just as the sun was setting I decided to stop for the evening but just before I put my thumb down a couple pulled over in a car. I hopped in and they took me about 15 kilometers down the road. They pointed me in the direction where I’d be able to catch a ride with some truck drivers so I walked that way. I found myself at a freeway entrance with no place for anyone to pull over and cars passing way too quickly to even consider picking up a hitchhiker. The sunlight faded quickly and I found myself beneath a streetlamp in the cold night. I realized that no one would pick me up there, at least not tonight so I set off to find another place to spend the night. Being surrounded by fields and very few buildings this was not an ideal place to spend a cold night. I walked behind a large feed store and found a place to sleep in the large field behind it. As the night wore on it grew colder and colder. I had layers of clothes on within my sleeping bag and still felt chilled to the bone. A restless night followed and as the sky became lighter I found myself under the dark grey skies with a sleeping bag soaked through by the moisture in the air. My back pack and I were also soaked. With no direct sunlight and cold, wet air there was no chance for my things to dry so I packed everything up still wet and headed back to the freeway entrance. That early in the morning there was very little traffic and fortunately I was picked up by a couple and their three year old son. I really didn’t care where they were headed as long as I could get a ride away from that spot. They took me way out into the country and dropped me off at another freeway entrance outside of the town where they were stopping. I set down my bag and waited. At this entrance I waited about eight hours hoping for a ride seeing one car pass me every hour. Eventually I gave up waiting and picked up my things. I began walking along the highway just trying to get to a place with more traffic. I then realized just how out in the country I was for I walked a half hour without seeing coming across an exit. I kept walking and at one point I arbitrarily stuck out my thumb. I saw a car screech to a halt in front of me and start reversing along the freeway in my direction. These three Hungarian guys were headed to Burgos and offered me a lift.

Upon arrival in the city I just prayed for a warm dry place to sleep that night. I walked and walked through the large city in the direction of the highway praying with every step. When night fell it was apparent that no one was going to invite me in to sleep in a house. When I grew too tired to walk anymore I found a tree next to the road and pulled out my bag. It was still wet from the night before but I couldn’t do anything about that so I set it up beneath the overhanging limbs of the tree anyway. I continued to pray that I would be warm and dry that night despite the situation I was in. I squeezed my way into the bag and found that as soon as I got in it the bag became dry. I lay down and was soon so warm I had to remove layers of clothing. Though my sleep was erratic due to passing cars and people I didn’t manage to sleep a bit. When I awoke I found dew covering the leaves of the tree above me and the grass around me. The fog was so thick it was difficult to see something ten yards away. Despite all the moisture surrounding me I touched my sleeping bag to find it completely dry. My backpack was completely dry. I was completely dry and although I could feel the chill in the air I was extremely warm. My prayer from the previous evening had been answered although not as I had expected it to be. I felt this was truly a miraculous experience and had a great feeling about the day ahead.

I continued walking along the road until I made it to a good hitchhiking spot. I stuck out my thumb and was picked up minutes later by two Belgian brothers, one looking like Michael Moore and the other like Wallace Shawn (the “inconceivable” guy from Princess Bride). They took me all the way across the border into France and dropped me off. I was shortly thereafter picked up by a really nice French guy. He asked if I had eaten yet and invited me to his house for lunch and a shower. At his place as he prepared a fantastic lunch of duck and potatoes I showered. After the shower and food I felt so much better. After playing a few songs for the man on my guitar we packed up and he drove me another 70 kilometers down the road. Right after he dropped me off I received another ride followed by another. Then I was picked up by an older couple who drove me well past Bordeaux. As night fell they asked where I was going to spend the night. When I told them I had no idea they invited me to stay at their house. They took me to their home in Saintes where they few me a great dinner and set me up on their couch. I slept very well as rain splattered against the window pane. I felt so blessed to be sleeping comfortably inside that night. When morning came they fed me breakfast and took me down the road to another highway. I was soon picked up by a guy who took me further down the road and dropped me off. As I was walking along searching for another place to hitchhike I noticed a designated hitchhiking spot marked by a sign. I stood there for a few minutes with my thumb out when a young woman pulled over and asked me where I was headed. I told her I was going to Paris and she said she was also. A few hours later we arrived in the city of lights. After hopping the metro gates I made my way into the city. I showed up at my old apartment where my friend Devon was living after taking my old job. Needless to say, he and his girlfriend Sara were quite surprised to see me as I hadn’t told anyone I would be in Paris. I surprised quite a few people during my weeklong stay in the French capital. I was in Paris because I had a flight leaving from Paris to the United States. After spending a week with Devon, Sara, Etienne, and other friends I illegally hopped on the train for the airport. Spending eight hours cooped up in an airplane from Paris to Washington DC was quite difficult, especially after having lived outdoors for the last three months. I finally arrived in DC and was met at the airport by my parents. My dad knew I was coming but my mom had no idea. When she saw me her jaw dropped and she was speechless. She had no idea when she would ever see me again so when I showed up in front of her she believed me to be a hallucination. I spent a few days with them in the nation’s capital and was able to see my aunt and my good friend Janet before we got on another plane to Colorado.

We arrived in Colorado just ahead of a large snow storm. That night I slept in my own bed at my Colorado home, the one place that has always felt like home to me. This was the best night’s sleep I had received in the last year or so. I woke up the next morning to snow blowing against my window. The trees and ground were covered with the white purity of the icy precipitation. I couldn’t have imagined a better homecoming.

Although I am not traveling at the moment and have no idea how long I’ll be here in Colorado this is not my last entry. I have the itch to continue traveling but for now am content to stay here with my family in an environment full of love and support. Until next time, peace!

Star Peace Episode VI: Return of the Hippie

The past few days have been terribly difficult and extremely rewarding at the same time. Last night I was walking by a church in this small town in southern Portugal when the church bells chimed that mass was about to begin. I was extremely tired and pretty hungry but decided to attend mass anyway. It had been awhile since I had been to church and I thought the spiritual sustenance would be beneficial. I walked in and the usher offered to watch my bag and guitar at the back while I attended the service. I sat down and immediately started to pray. Mass started and with the first sign of the cross I became emotional nearly breaking out in tears right there and then. Though the mass was in Portuguese I participated to the best of my ability. When I couldn't understand what was being said I prayed. Mass ended and the people filed out. I was one of the few left within the church when a woman walked up to me with her daughter and told me how much I resembled Jesus and that it was nice to see Jesus attending church (at least I think that's what she said). All I could do was smile and nod and she walked away. After leaving the pew I knelt to genuflect and just lost it. Kneeling in the middle of the church I began bawling and praying that I would have reprieve this night from mosquitoes, torrential beach wind, and prying eyes. After a few minutes of open crying I stood up, wiped the tears from my face, and started towards the door. The usher was standing there talking with the woman who told me I looked like Jesus. She had placed a card on my bag of St. Rapahel, the patron saint of travelers. I looked at her and smiled. In my best Spanish (which is pretty limited) I asked if it was possible to sleep there in the church. The usher, Madelena, told me that it was not. She then started speaking in Portuguese to the other woman. Madelena told me something that I didn't quite understand and proceeded to lock up the church. After locking up she turned to me and made the motion for me to follow her. She led me to a house and opened up the door. The place looked like a guest house for traveling families as it had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, dining room, and television area. She took me in and motioned for me to put down my things. She then proceeded to make up one of the beds for me and left. She returned minutes later with her daughter who spoke English. They invited me to stay here as long as I wanted. They brought me fresh towels and soap and took my clothes to be washed. The "Jesus" woman then came with bags of fresh groceries. I have not been able to stop thanking God for this amazing manifestation. After a wonderful lunch with Madelena and her daughter and a spectacular dinner of split pea soup and pizza I am now sitting in their office writing.

Thinking about the month that has passed since I last posted I am wondering how to put many of the experiences I've had in words. After my last post I ended up staying in Madrid for a week as I met up with some friends of mine whom I met at the Running of the Nudes in Pamplona. Javier, a wonderful Argentinian with whom I connected on a very deep level had given me his address in Madrid and Dingo and I just showed up at his place. When he returned home from work he was quite surprised to see me there but proceeded to make us a fabulous dinner. The next day Dingo left to continue his own journey but I stayed in Madrid. Dingo has been a fabulous traveling companion and we experienced a lot together. I am truly grateful to have had his company for such a large part of this journey. The next evening I stayed with Sophie, a woman from France, as Javi's then-boyfriend was coming back to stay with him and was quite jealous of mine and Javi's relationship. Sophie and I had a great time together practicing my french, cooking vegan food, watching animal activist movies, and sunbathing by the pool. Javi, Sophie, and I hung out with another cool guy named Mario named after the famous brothers. After a week of relaxing in Madrid and eating completely vegan food I was off on the road again.

I caught a few rides heading south to Grenada including a ride with a beekeeper from the Pyrenees on his way to Morocco. I bought some honey from him and went on my way. I soon made it into Grenada and walked around the city a bit. I sat down on a bench in a small park and started eating some bread with the honey. A man walking by stopped and looked at me. He then sat down and began speaking to me. Alcohol dripping off his breath he asked me, "Do you know what the difference is between humans and animals?" Without waiting for a reply he said "Curiosity, man is curious as to why things work out such as they do." He talked about many things as I listened. After a couple hours passed he showed me to a nice cheap hotel where I could stay the night. I said my farewell and checked in. The next morning making my way to the bus station I sat down on a bench to eat my morning meal of dried fruits and nuts. The same man walking by stopped and sat down with me again. When it was time to go to the station he took me to the best bus stop to get there. We wished each other the best and parted ways. Upon arrival at the station I hopped on a bus bound for Orjiva, the town located near the hippie community. On the bus I met a young guy from Germany with long blond dreds. Benjamin was heading out into the mountains to do some camping and I told him of Benficio. Thinking it sounded like a good idea he decided to join me. When we arrived in Orjiva someone pointed us in the direction of Hitchhiker Corner where the Beneficio inhabitants hitch up to the commune. We waited there maybe five minutes before a woman stopped and loaded us into her car. She took us up the hill and pointed us in the direction of Beneficio. We walked a ways before we ended up in a dirt car park full of campers and beat up cars. Not sure what to make of it we headed up a trail which led into the woods. We saw many tents set up to our right so we found a spot and set up ours among them. After dropping off our things we continued up the trail passing tee pees, houses made of many recycled materials, and marijuana plants.

Continuing up the trail we climbed higher and higher into the mountains. At the top of a hill we stopped and chatted for a bit before heading back down. We climbed down a ravine and ended up coming into the camp of a man named Roi (pron. Roy). Roi looks as though Gandhi would look if he had the head of Groucho Marx. Standing there completely naked he invited the both of us to join him for tea. We agreed and sat with him in the outdoor carpeted circle used as the center for Roi's home. We spoke for awhile on enlightened topics and life in Beneficio. We had heard about a meditation group meeting that evening so we told Roi we wanted to go attend that. He said, "Welcome, you are here". We stayed for the meditation session where we focused on opening our chakras then remained for dinner. After dinner we said thank you and made our way down to the main lodge which was a big outdoor circle with a fire pit in the center. Musical instruments were abundant including guitars, drums, flutes and others. People were gathered around singing, playing, smoking marijuana, and thoroughly enjoying themselves in the relaxed and open atmosphere. The full moon that night provided a lot of beautiful energy and people were very happy. Ben and I sat and smoked joining in on the fun. I stayed up all night meeting new people, having amazing conversations, playing music, dancing, and soaking up the incredible energy of the place. A couple hours before dawn Sam, a talented young guy from England with whom I had spent most of the night talking, said goodnight and headed to bed. I found myself alone in the center of the circle playing with the fading coals of the fire and with no desire to go to sleep.

As dawn approached I decided to hike up a hill to catch the sunrise. I started out barefoot as I had no desire to wear shoes at this point. I had nothing with me but the shorts around my hips, the shirt on my back, and the camera strapped around my shoulder. I began walking and didn't stop until I reached the top of a large hill. From there I caught the sun coming over the mountain across from me on the town above Beneficio. Now that the sun was up I looked around and soaked up the beauty of the community in the valley below. I turned and saw that the mountain continued upwards and felt the desire to continue on, so I did. As I walked I found the earth turning more and more brown, the plants becoming drier, and the day growing hotter. I passed ruined buildings and with them the last signs of civilization but I continued on. Sometimes the heat would become so intense on the rocks below my feet I risked life and limb to run across steep gradients just to find shade and reprieve for my feet but still I continued on. I would find a tree from time to time under whose branches I relaxed in the shade as much as the hot day would allow. I would meditate under these trees for what seemed like hours. When I was ready to bear the heat of the sun soaked rocks I continued on. As the sun began its descent so did I. I started walking down into the valley but my way was soon blocked by tangles of brush. Light was fading fast so I found a place to sleep amongst the bushes. That night I stayed awake again praying, meditating, and receiving the most amazing visions. That night I communicated with nature. I listened to the wind speak to me through the trees. The crickets chirped a sweet song for me and the moon shone between the bushes to enlighten me and my surroundings. Believe it or not I watched as several spiders gathered together to create a web right next to my head. I realized that this web was a natural dream catcher and that I was dreaming while fully awake. That night I experienced things that I never imagined possible. I saw gateways to other dimensions and I traveled them. I felt time itself. We see the effects of time's passage around us but before this I had never actually felt time. There is no way to describe in words what I actually experienced but suffice to say I found the divine light within which is exactly what I had been searching for. I have no idea how long that night lasted. It could have been minutes or hours, it all felt the same to me.

Dawn crept over the horizon and I crawled out of my shelter. I began my decent further down the mountain trying to get back to Beneficio. When I heard water I would try to find it as I knew there was a river running from the mountains straight down through the community. I would traverse steep rock faces holding on with only the tips of my fingers and toes. I would climb down to areas of green thinking there must be water nearby only to find my passage blocked by thick bramble choking off any passage. The day wore on with no food or water to be found but as unusual as it may seem I was neither hungry nor thirsty. I realized that I had everything I needed within me already and that if I only kept going I would find my way. The sun crossed the desert canyon and started to dip behind the western canyon wall above me. By the fading light I made my way into a copse of trees. As I tramped through the small forest the light became more and more dim. Soon I couldn't see where I was going so I felt my way around. I came to a point where the way ahead was blocked, both sides were closed around me and I could not see from where I had come. I decided to stop there for the night and continue at first light. This night was the coldest and darkest night I had experienced in this lifetime. I spent most of the night curled in a ball crying. I may have slept a little but there was no way to tell for sure. I prayed and cried until the sun came up. When I could see my surroundings I noticed a small passage ahead of me. Crawling through the dirt with thorny vines grabbing at my back I slowly made my way between the branches. I have no idea how long I was crawling through that mess but by the time it opened up and I could stand I felt as though I had never before stood upright. The sun was shining through the trees and I could hear running water, the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I pushed past bushes not caring about the thorns and the blood they drew. I climbed up and over trees and saw below me a pool of water, orange in color and smelling of disease. Needless to say I did not drink. I came out of the woods and noticed above me powerlines I had passed on the first day. I decide that instead of attempting to continue down into oblivion I would climb back up the mountain following the powerlines and go back the way I had come. I climbed and climbed running from the shade of one tree to the shade of another that my blistering feet would have relief. I found the path I had taken the first day and followed it back. The late afternoon sun was beating down on me by the time I saw my first glimpse of humanity in three days. A woman in her late 50s was washing her dishes in a hommade sink. I walked over to the ledge above her and managed to croak out, "tiennes aqua?" She looked me up and down and said "Of course". She handed me a bottle and I drank the sweetest tasting water that had ever touched my lips. She said to me, "You look like Robinson Crusoe. Didn't I see you pass by here a few days ago? What on earth have you been doing?" I didn't say much but recounted my tale to Sula as best I could. She showed me a fig tree which I immidiately climbed and began eating fig after fig right there in the tree. After some time had passed I went back down the mountain to the main commune area. I thought I would try to find Benjamin as I was sure he would be worried about me. Sure enough I found notes posted all over Beneficio in his hand writing asking if anyone had seen me and that if I returned to contact him as soon as possible. He had taken my things up to Roi's place and had left that morning. I walked all the way up to Roi's and found him sitting there in his circle with a smile on his face as though he were expecting me, which I'm sure he was. We didn't say a word to each other, we didn't have to. He knew exactly what I went through as he was right there with me. He had no worries that I would return and tried to convey that to Benjamin while he was there. I sat down with Roi then colapsed completely.

The sun was past the canyon wall by the time I awoke. Roi was humming as he placed stone and clay for the house he was building. He looked at me and smiled. I returned the smile whole-heartedly. Roi then proceeded to make dinner for us but oddly enough I wasn't hungry. In fact my appetite didn't return until a few days later. For the next couple weeks I spent most of my time with Roi, meditating, cooking, hauling stones from the mountain, picking fresh figs, grapes, and almonds, tending the garden, and enjoying the nature that surrounded me. Roi gave me a traditional north african dress and said "This is how a servant of God should dress". I put it on and immidiatly fell in love with it. Since he gave it to me I haven't worn anything else. It just fits me. I met some other amazing people including our neighbor Randy. Randy was from New Jersey and was a huge Jimmy Hendrix fan. One night I helped him take a used bench seat down the hill for trash and we spent the evening sitting in the back of his van smoking ganja and listening to Hendrix tapes. Other interesting people included the homosexual biblical couple Simon and Paul, a crazy Italian named Jesus, the bundles of wood-toting Mohammed, and too many others to name.

After two and a half weeks in Beneficio I thought life was perfect and couldn't get any better. I was spending the day with Randy smoking and watching over his garden guarding against the heard goats that sometimes came down to eat his plants when a woman passed by on her way up the mountain trail. We invited her to come over and relax for a bit. Jana (pron. Yana) was from Prague and within her eyes I could see an entire universe. She and I shared a strong connection instantly. She stayed for dinner with us and that night she and I slept arm in arm within the circle at Roi's. We spent the next couple days together enjoying life around Beneficio. One day Jana's friend Alesh showed up as well as Roi's brother and his friend. We had a feast of many wonderful foods all prepared right there in Beneficio including some fresh sourdough bread Roi backed in his clay oven. Alesh and Jana were heading out the next day and I wasn't sure if I'd join them or not as I was enjoying Beneficio so much. I really felt at home there. In the morning Jana and Alesh gathered their things and started saying goodbye. I looked at Roi and he said to me, "don't leave anything unfinished." With that I knew I wanted to go with Jana. I packed my things quickly, gave Roi a huge hug, and ran down the hill after them. By the time we reached Orjiva we had missed the bus heading south so we decided to hitchhike. In my experience hitchhiking with two people is difficult, with three there was no way we were going to get a ride. Someone did pull over but said he could only take one and was heading to Grenada so Alesh left us and went with him. Jana and I then spent the day slowly making our way to the coast tropical of Spain. By early evening we arrived in Nerja and found our way to the beach. We set up camp amongst the rocks and spent a beautiful night together sharing love as I had never experienced before. The next day we relaxed on the beach singing and playing guitar. We swam in the surf and soaked up the rays of the sun. That afternoon we made our way further up the coast to Marbella and spent another night on the beach. The next morning Jana took a bus to Malaga where she was to catch a plane bound for Barcelona. There she would meet her boyfriend and they would hike the Pyrenees together before heading back to Prague.

After an emotional goodbye at the bus station I took off down the road. I managed to catch a few rides and ended up in Tarifa, the southern most point of Spain. Here I could catch a ferry over to Morrocco which would have been very cool. However, the ferry cost 30 euros which was about ten times what I had to my name so I stayed in Tarifa. I saw a guy sitting on a bench with a drum so I went over and started hanging out with him. That evening he showed me a place to sleep out of the driving coastal wind in an abandoned worksite. I didn't really sleep that night. I spent the night thinking of Jana, writing poetry, meditating, and doing yoga. In the morning I left and made my way west towards Portugal. The first ride I received took me to a really cool beach on the coast where we tanned in the nude and smoked just enjoying the beautiful day. When we were leaving a young blond british guy ran up to me and handed me a plastic bag with rice and tomato soup within. He said that they were heading home that evening and that he was going to just throw the stuff away so if I wanted it I was welcome. After my ride dropped me off in the andalucia region of Spain I was shortly picked up by three young beautiful Spanish women. When they dropped me off the one I had been sitting with in the back said, "You look like Jesus Christ". Continuing on my way I made it into the town of Jerez. I spent the night there and attempted to hitchhike in the morning. To give you an idea I spent the next three days hitchhiking and made it about 200 kilometers. This means I spent about ten hours each day on the side of the road walking with my thumb out in the blistering heat of the southern spanish sun and two hours in cars. A van pulled over and handed me a watermelon. So for these days I was surviving on rice and watermelon. The places I slept were laden with mosquitoes so it was very difficult to actually sleep. I finally arrrived at the border town on the Portuguese side of the border where I met a group of homeless guys sitting in the park. I hung out with them awhile and connected well with a guy named Paul who barely spoke English. That evening he took me to a homeless shelter where they gave us coffee and ham sandwhiches. I am not usually one to eat meat and I never drink coffee but the coffee was delicious and I ate about four sandwhiches. Paul then took me to his home underneath a ramp to the municiple swimming pool where he invited me to stay the night with him and his companion, a dog named El Niño. The next day he took me to a place where I had a nice shower then we returned to the shelter for a great meal of soup, rice, salad, and honeydew melon. After that I attempted to hitch further into Portugal. I walked down the street, set my things down and stuck my thumb out. Scant minutes passed when a woman walked up to me and gave me a bag full of fruit. She told me I reminded her of her 24 year old son. She said I would be hard pressed to get a ride there and gave me 20 euros for the bus and whatever else. She walked into her house right there and returned shortly with another bag full of food and a picture of her son. She then wished me a good journey and left me there. I hopped on the bus and headed up the coast a bit. I arrived in another beach town where I attempted to sleep on the beach but was agani bombarded by mosquitoes and coastal wind. The next morning instead of hitching I decided to walk along the beach to the next town. About halfway there I stopped to rest and met a lonely old German guy. I played my guitar for him and we hung out together for awhile. When I got up to leave he handed me ten euros and wished me a good journey. Shortly thereafter I arrived here in Altura where I met this amazing family. They have taken me in and treated me so well. I cannot believe the things I have been through on this journey and the experiences that I have had thus far. I am extremely blessed to be here and surrounded by love. I know this would be even more difficult without the support of family and friends so I wish to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. From here I haven't decided which direction to go but I'm sure it will lead me to even more adventure. Until next time, até a vista!