Life is dark in the cupboard with these pots and pans
Teflon in my belly and rubber on my handle
Waiting for breakfast or supper till someone can use me.
Finally a light comes in from the door,
This is the moment I've been waiting for.
Won't you cook something that needs a flat bottom, please.
That hand reaches in, grabs me by the handle
Puts me on the stove hotter than a candle
Adds a little oil with a squeeze.
What are you frying up this time, I wonder?
Eggs with pieces of shell from that blunder
Pancakes would definitely be alright with me
Perhaps some bacon, ooh I love the sizzle
Or even potatoes, listen to 'em fizzle
As the grease slides over my non-stick surface with glee.
Alright stop; what's this you got me doin'?
I've never seen whatever it is you got brewin'
White and squishy, smells like nothing I've seen
Looks like a sponge and feels like one too.
Probably will taste like the tongue of a shoe
Is this really what you think is real keen?
I don't know what kind of eating you're after
This kind of thing fills me with laughter
I guess you're trying to make your diet lean.
Tofu ain't the kind of thing to eat
Especially when your body craves meat.
No matter if you fry, bake or steam
I prefer the real food you make
Not something fashioned like a cake
I will make sure bacon haunts your dreams.
Throw in some veggies, add a little Mirin
Look at the way you've got these things stirin'
That soy sauce you got is loaded with MSG
I see you've got some rice to throw the stuff over
So what if its low in cholesterol and fat free.
There's no way in hell that stuff will make you happy
Nor will that tofurkey make you nappy
You need real food in your life, can't you see?
Don't you think that life is all about what you enjoy?
A lot of that comes from eating food that's not made of soy.
Greasy food may not be as healthy
But they sure make your life feel wealthy.
So quit buying carrots and Bok Choy.
What what tastes good and sizzles like it should.